Veronica: So you're going to be in a room filled with weak, malleable children, and a man is going to bring in a toy. When he does, you're going to say very bad things about it.
Rose: Why?
Veronica: Because we're telling you to, and you should always do what adults tell you to do, especially when they give you candy.
Linda: It's just a fun game we're playing--like dress-up, only instead of clothes, we're dressing up the things that are coming out of your mouth.

Lem: Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it.
Patricia: I can't tell the company. They'll put something in my food that makes me infertile.
Phil: They don't do things like that or cancel gym memberships.

Have you ever noticed how much of men's lives are spent trying to trick women into touching something?

Phil

So Pete's project is testing today. I want to burn his diaper and salt the earth beneath it so no new product will ever grow there.

Veronica

Well, you are eager and desperate for my approval. And that's two of the three qualities I look for in a partner.

Veronica

Linda: You make no sound when you walk.
Veronica: Then I am ready to leave the monastery and avenge my parents. I'm kidding. I just buy expensive shoes made from very soft animals.

Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It's important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don't. Because we're a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don't know what.

Commercial

Veronica: I don't take the high road, Ted. The high road leads to Pansy Town.
Ted: Or maybe it leads to a more effective way of handling an adversary... ville.

Linda: Hey, sweetie, want to go smoke a cigarette in the bathroom? See? I can be bad. Don't ever smoke, Rose. Every time you smoke a cigarette, Santa Claus kills an elf. What, helping or hurting? Because I can throw Jesus into the mix.
Ted: I think we're good.

I can't stand that Veronica makes fun of me in meetings. If the boss doesn't respect me, other people won't. Including the little Linda in my head. And even on a good day, that little bitch won't shut up.

Linda

And, Phil, they canceled your gym membership because no matter what class you were in, you did jazzercise.

Ted

Lem: Ted, we need your help.
Phil: We were working really hard in the lab...
Lem: And we had this pinata...
Ted: Pinata? That doesn't sound like really hard work.
Phil: It was stuffed with science.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 16 in total

Better Off Ted Season 2 Episode 9 Quotes

Pete: Hey, Ted. Strengthening your hand for that big date with yourself?
Ted: Nope, just practicing for later when I squeeze your mom's boobs. I'm not proud of that. I actually had a lovely conversation with Pete's mom at the Christmas party.

Ted on his back straining with effort? There's a mental picture I can call back later.

Patricia
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