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Lem: These super-bagels are terrible. You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
Phil: That's because they're 98% high impact carbon. Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.

Ted: And congratulations to you for falling through the ceiling in a metal tube and winning that game. That's gotta feel good.
Veronica: You're gonna have to speak up. I'm temporarily deaf in one ear. As you may know, I fell through the ceiling in a metal tube. But at least I won that game, and that feels good.

Phil: Are you sure we're doing the right thing?
Lem: I've never been so sure about being unsure of anything in my life.
Phil: Good. Then we're on the same page. Let's do it.

Lem: Maybe we should take a stand. Maybe we should say this is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Phil: Or maybe we say that the next thing we make must not be used for evil, but this one with we're fine with. And maybe the next one after that. But someday, they will push us too far, and the next time after that..
Lem: No, the time is now. 12:35. Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes and then commit to something.

Ted: What are you afraid of? If you... if you throw a game, it's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters hall of fame?
Linda: No. My position there is secure from getting my art history degree.

Ted: It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties when Phi keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Ted: Yes, you said that a lot last night.

Ted: Phil, why on earth would you use your voice for the translator device?
Phil: It was the fastest way to fix it, since we already had my voice in the computer from that failed talking frying pan project.
Lem: Stupid thing wouldn't stop screaming when you put it on the burner.
Phil: Plus, it was very critical. "You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.

Veronica: I saw what was going on in there between you and Fraulein Cheekbones. When you show her around town, keep your Hansels off her Gretels.
Ted: I was just being friendly.
Veronica: I'm serous, Ted. This deal is too important and sex can screw things up. Why do you think the Three Stooges went through so many Curlys?

Oh, God, we have unhappy Germans. Nothing good has ever come from that.

Veronica

Veronica is late for our big meeting with the Germans, who, of course, are right on time. What? It's a positive stereotype.

Because I'm good at everything I do. I'm not bragging, because bragging is the one thing I'm not good at. Although, if I wanted to be, I'd be excellent at that, too. As I just proved.

Veronica

Veronica: Do you live here? Do all the cubicle workers have little hobbit holes like this?
Linda: No, some of us nest in trees, others have underground warrens.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 357 in total

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie