Better Off Ted Quotes
We believe the multi-language translator will create a furor in Germany, a furor that will sweep across Europe, crushing... no.Veronica
- Permalink: We believe the multi-language translator will create a furor in ...
Lem: Oh, my God. Maybe we're evil scientists.
Phil: (laughing manically) I'm sorry. I laugh like that when faced with an unpleasant truth. That's why I got thrown out of that Al Gore movie.
- Permalink: Oh, my God. Maybe we're evil scientists. (laughing manically) ...
Lem: We don't create evil things.
Ted: Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser as evil-ish.
Phil: Well, that was only designed so you could peel an orange in your kitchen while sitting comfortably in your living room.
Ted: Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas while you sit comfortably in the Pentagon.
- Permalink: We don't create evil things. Some might see this long-range pe...
Ted: And listen. The Germans are all worried because, ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry
- Permalink: And listen. The Germans are all worried because, ironically, the...
Veronica: So you're going to be in a room filled with weak, malleable children, and a man is going to bring in a toy. When he does, you're going to say very bad things about it.
Veronica: Because we're telling you to, and you should always do what adults tell you to do, especially when they give you candy.
Linda: It's just a fun game we're playing--like dress-up, only instead of clothes, we're dressing up the things that are coming out of your mouth.
- Permalink: So you're going to be in a room filled with weak, malleable chil...
Lem: Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it.
Patricia: I can't tell the company. They'll put something in my food that makes me infertile.
Phil: They don't do things like that or cancel gym memberships.
- Permalink: Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it. I can't tell the comp...
Have you ever noticed how much of men's lives are spent trying to trick women into touching something?Phil
- Permalink: Have you ever noticed how much of men's lives are spent trying t...
So Pete's project is testing today. I want to burn his diaper and salt the earth beneath it so no new product will ever grow there.Veronica
- Permalink: So Pete's project is testing today. I want to burn his diaper an...
Well, you are eager and desperate for my approval. And that's two of the three qualities I look for in a partner.Veronica
- Permalink: Well, you are eager and desperate for my approval. And that's tw...
Linda: You make no sound when you walk.
Veronica: Then I am ready to leave the monastery and avenge my parents. I'm kidding. I just buy expensive shoes made from very soft animals.
- Permalink: You make no sound when you walk. Then I am ready to leave the ...
Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It's important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don't. Because we're a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don't know what.Commercial
- Permalink: Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It's important. What d...
Veronica: I don't take the high road, Ted. The high road leads to Pansy Town.
Ted: Or maybe it leads to a more effective way of handling an adversary... ville.
- Permalink: I don't take the high road, Ted. The high road leads to Pansy To...
Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of thingsTed
- Permalink: Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a k...
Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Ted: Halloween and pie
- Permalink: We want to weaponize a pumpkin. Then so do I. Because? There...