Better Off Ted

Better Off Ted Quotes (Page 9)

Season 2 Episode 1: "Love Blurts"

Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.
 • Rating: Unrated

Greg: I have my own little way of acting out.
Linda: Really?
Greg: Yeah.
Linda: What is it?
Greg: No, you're going to think it's strange.
Linda: Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
Greg: All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
Linda: You what now?
Greg: Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project?
Lem: Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
Veronica: Please. I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
Lem: He must never know about Aqua-Ted.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: You're good-looking.
Greg: Yeah, it bums me out, too. Thanks a lot, God.
Linda: No, it's just, I'm not dating off that stupid list. A friend and I made a deal not to. We can't let the company breed us like golden retrievers or we'll all end up with weak hips and kennel cough.
 • Rating: Unrated

Danielle: Hi, I'm Danielle. The company feels very strongly that we should "whee..." have unprotected sex with each other.
Ted: Oh, you're that Danielle. You're, you're on my compatibility list. Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: While right now I'm neither interested in raising a child, nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
Lem: You want to have my baby?
Veronica: Well, using your DNA would only be my Plan E. Behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids, or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
Lem: Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship. Tanned, wind in your hair, no ovaries.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lem: You wanted to see me?
Veronica: Yes. Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
Lem: I'm sorry. It got out of its containment vessel and it's extremely aggressive. Wait, did you say my sperm?
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
Lem: Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now. I have to go see Veronica and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: Who does the company think it is, telling us who to boff? We fought the British over our right to boff. They wanted us to shag.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: So to save money, the company is getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria with food pellets.
Veronica: Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate. Anything that starts with the word "whee" is just a fun suggestion. Like the Constitution and "Whee the People."
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
Veronica: Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
Ted: When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
Veronica: Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
Ted: Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Phil, just because they use the word "whee" doesn't mean it's a good thing. Remember "Whee! It's Pension Rollbacks"?
Phil: Oh, actually that was fun.. until they rolled back our pensions.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: "Whee... Love is in the Air." Well, gee, genetic engineering is romantic. That's why it's so often used as a prom theme.
 • Rating: Unrated

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