Better Off Ted

Tuesdays 8:30 PM on ABC

Season: 2 1

Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 13: "Secrets and Lives"

Phil: No, no, it was a good thing. He saw me as a threat. I'm a scientist, Lem. I've been a threat to humanity, the environment, even Jupiter once. But never new to a hot girl's boyfriend.
• Rating: Unrated

Rose: I have an opinion about that.
Ted: Well, it's not up to you, honey. When you call the shots, we end up buying boats.
Rose: A boat. One time.
Ted: $140,000.
Rose: I think we're done here.
• Rating: Unrated

Linda: Well, have fun, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (whispers to Rebecca) There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Rebecca: I know. I was your roommate.
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: You have to be smart to be an assistant. You have to be totally in sync with your magician. Know when to pull the wire, slip him the key, ice his nipples.
Ted: Well, after meeting Kristi, looks like Mordor's gonna have to pick a lock with flaccid nipples.
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.
• Rating: Unrated

Mordor: I'm sorry, I won't call Veronica. She sawed my heart in half, and it wasn't one of those plastic hearts that come in two pieces in the kit with a pair of fake legs. Damn it. I keep telling people how my tricks are done.
• Rating: Unrated

Ted: So people are not loving the slapping.
Veronica: You think I like it? Touching all those strange faces--it's gross.
Ted: Plus, you could get fired. Plus, it's a weird-ass thing to do.
Veronica: Yes, Ted, I know. I shouldn't hit people on the staff. I've been hearing that since grade school.
• Rating: Unrated

Linda: So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca. She's beautiful and a veterinarian. so when you meet her, if you start trembling and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.
Ted: Well, it is my move.
• Rating: Unrated

Lem: The search engine found someone who looks exactly like you.
Phil: Oh, my god, this is amazing. It's like looking into some bizarre alternate universe where I can drive a bull and wear tall shows with throwing stars attached to them.
Lem: Those are boots with spurs.
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: I can't function here if people know that twice a month I put on half an ounce of spandex and hide a dove in my... let's just say it's not comfortable for me or the dove.
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Now I fly to Vegas every other weekend to perform. For those two days, I don't have to be in charge of anything. It's a total release. All I have to do is please the man I love, and twice nightly lock him in a watertight drum, which also pleases me.
• Rating: Unrated

Lem: It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Okay, fellas, nerd it up.
Ted: We've been developing a new search engine, and unlike language based search engines, this face-matching technology uses visual recognition...
Veronica: Less nerd, more English.
Phil: You take an image of a person...
Lem: Or "picture."
Phil: And scan it into a computer...
Lem: Or "magic box."
Linda: I'm not embarrassed to say, this is helping.
• Rating: Unrated

Linda: So my boyfriend wants us to move in together.
Veronica: Why would he wants us to move in together?
Linda: No, I mean he wants me to move in with him.
Veronica: Then where am I supposed to live?
Linda: You're sabotaging this conversation, aren't you?
Veronica: Just 'til we get to the meeting.
• Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 12: "Jabberwocky"

Ted: I hope you're not upset.
Linda: Nah. You stole from the company for me. How could a girl be mad at someone that does that? You're like my thief in shining armor.
• Rating: Unrated

Veronica: In a couple of hours we're presenting Jabberwocky to the entire division.
Ted: What? Why'd you agree to that?
Veronica: Oh, really, Ted, is that your strategy, let's make this Veronica's fault?
Ted: You're the only person I told.
Veronica: Wow. It is your strategy. That is so thin.
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: What about bio luminescence? Fireflies have been using it for 2,000 years.
Lem: Fireflies--the flaming plates of the insect world.
• Rating: Unrated

Phil: And so we're looking for a way to make Ted feel good about us again.
Lem: Any ideas?
Linda: I don't know. Buy him a candle.
Lem: That's not gonna fly. Ted hates things that light on fire.
Phil: Hey, Ted likes Linda.
Lem: You wanna give him Linda?
Phil: Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking that, but...
Linda: I will be given to no man! I saw that in a movie once. (the guys stare) Nothing.
• Rating: Unrated