Veronica: Linda, I feel like you've been wanting to get our relationship back to the way it was.
Linda: What gave you that idea--the fact that you shrunk my cubicle into a hobbit hole?
Veronica: Now let's not get into "who shrunk whose office" or "who canceled whose dental plan

And then I accused Omar Sharif of being a terrorist so he'd get kicked off a plane and I could take his first-class seat

Veronica

I once slept with my boyfriend's therapist to find out if he was cheating with me. He wasn

Veronica

Gil: Ted, in order to advance to Squire, there is but one knave standing in your way.
Phil: I propose a mutual surrender.
Gil: Valiant try, you giant ball of wuss

Veronica: I'll take you to breakfast--somewhere where the meals don't end with the word "slam."
Linda: I don't know. I've got a lot of work to do on the Doppler Project.
Veronica: You're with the boss. Relax. Besides, I can give the Doppler Project to Joe.
Linda: Really? Because I do hate the Doppler Project.
Veronica: And I hate Joe. So everybody wins

Linda: I don't know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.
Lem: I have to start drinking. I like those odds

Medieval Fight Night two nights in a row? Man, my codpiece just got tighter

Phil

My grandfather... I never liked him. He smelled of onions and once cheated on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt, who hated men but loved onions

Veronica

Lem: Bosses and employees just shouldn't hang out. It's like a ventriloquist trying to be friends with his dummy. At the end of the day, you know who's sleeping in a suitcase.
Phil: The dummy.
Ted: All right, I was the one who pushed for us to hang out, so I should endure this. I mean suffer through... I mean support you. Because that's what friends do

Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we'd be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don't question them. Otherwise you're no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary

Commercial

Veronica: Don't be silly. Let's talk. Would you like some wine?
Linda: I would like a whole bunch of wine, yes

Phil: Besides, Ted could bring us a lot of street crud.
Lem: It's street cred. You know, "credibility"?
Phil: Oh... now that finally makes sense

Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie