Jake: So talk to me Goose, how are we lookin'?
Gina: Sexy, but not like we're trying to, but like, sure we're trying, but it's almost effortless?

Santiago: You go through doors normally, and everyone calls you pineapples.
Peralta: My grandma calls me pineapples, and I regret telling you that.

Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Peralta: Wrong – I look like a cool rock star who OD’d in his own pool.

Holt: Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Peralta: Because the 70s were amazing! Everyone had big juicy mustaches and all the clothes were orange...and flammable.

I’ve got some stories that will make Training Day look like Super Troopers.


Santiago: Pretty hungover?
Peralta: Shhhhh...turn off your mouth siren...

Brogan: I once saw Kaminski choke a hippie to death with his own ponytail.
Peralta: Awesome!
Santiago: Illegal.

Diaz: When this is over, I’m going to find you, and I’m going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

All Fire Marshals are doofuses, but Boone is King Doofus of Doofus Island.


Gina: But seriously, what’s your favourite Jay-Z song?
Interviewee: I dunno! Big Pimpin’? It’s Big Pimpin’!
Gina: Awww. Wrong answer, friend.

“The Squad” is the best book I ever read, and I’ve read 15 books.


Jake: Sargeant Jeffards search the internet for, “undiscovered muscle.”
Terry: I was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder that I’d never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.