Ah ambrosia! I love a woman on her period.

Bates

There's no keeping a secret in this town.

Charlie

That's just me, an ungrateful heathen, highway to Hell and whatnot.

Hank

Don't come back here without a dozen roses and your dick in a box.

Hank

One day Hank, you're not going to be pining and I'm not going to be working and sparks are gonna fly.

Trixie

No crying at the Palm Runkle

Stu

I can make fun of Runkle but you can't.

Hank

All my life I thought that sort of life was lame, but now I realize the joke was on me.

Hank

Don't say mother fu-ker like that it makes me miss you.

Charlie

Hank: Just be careful. young writers on the rise have been known to make certain mistakes.
Becca: Such as?
Hank: Such as sticking their dicks in places kind words and flattery come from.

It helps to have daughters in low places.

Hank

Tyler: He slapped you in the face with his dick?
Charlie: Shh! Yes multiple times, I think he left a trail of dog water.

Californication Quotes

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou