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Californication

That's unfair! To say nothing if bad for my prostate - skypus interruptus!

Hank

No more grinding up on middle-aged hard-ons for me, except for yours of course.

Jackie

Rick Springfield: Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head on a hard-wood floor.
Hank: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Rick: What, oh you don't rough 'em up? Well excuse me George Bailey...

Felicia: That was some very intense and powerful love-making.
Hank: Not a big fan of that term: love-making - making love. I prefer boning, stuffing, stupping, banging, porking, boffing - anything, take your pick, just not love-making.

You obviously have this thing with women, some very strong connection, that no matter what you do, no matter how big of an ass you are, they seem to respond - you're a goddamn girl whisperer!

Stacey

Do you really think a woman wants to go down on a man who just walked in off the tennis courts? Or just came in from a ride? Huh? You think I want to peel off those sweaty bike shorts and go to town? Disgusting!

Felicia

I'm not mad at you. You wouldn't get mad at a big dumb dog for shitting on the rug, would you?

Becca

Actually Dad, yes, this house is a bordello, because that's how it's run by you.

Becca

When you started, I thought, my god this man has diarrhea of the mouth and there is no Kaopectate in sight.

Sue

You're Runkle, you'd whack it to a cat dancing on YouTube.

Sue

I do some of my best work from the bottom. You know why? Hands free - it's like sexual blue tooth.

Hank

To our beautiful family, our black President, and my magnificent dong.

Hank
Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 74 in total

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Californication Season 3 Quotes

Marcy: It's been sitting on the market for months now, Charlie, it's not selling.
Charlie: Well, maybe if you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor in LA with a cougar fetish back to the house, you could get it sold.
Marcy: First, it's our house, and second, if you weren't too busy trying to shove your angry inch into every damaged case that crosses your path, we wouldn't even be in this mess to begin with!

I know you're saving the planet and all, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole!

Hank
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