Sundays 10:30 PM on Showtime
Californication

Charlie: Do you know how long its been since I've heard you say those three little words?
Marcy: Eat my clam?

Charlie: I don't mean to get a bee in my bonnet, babe, I just don't want to see you waste your life waiting for a phone call that might never come.
Marcy: Oh it's coming, fool. And by the way, my gay uncle called, and he wants his expressions back.

Plus, you know, charity events are like ground zero for single pussy.

Rick Springfield

If a client asks you to dress up as a french maid and rim his shit hole, you comply, with bells on!

Sue

Hank: I'm very tight with the dean. He will not be pleased when he hears about this.
Security Guard: You're friends with the dean?
Hank: I fucked his wife.

Charlie: Like your dream crush now, Marcy?
Marcy: It's like watching a figure skater fall.

That's unfair! To say nothing if bad for my prostate - skypus interruptus!

Hank

No more grinding up on middle-aged hard-ons for me, except for yours of course.

Jackie

Rick Springfield: Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head on a hard-wood floor.
Hank: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Rick: What, oh you don't rough 'em up? Well excuse me George Bailey...

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