Californication

Sundays 10:30 PM on Showtime
Californication
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You ladies really are the most amazing creatures - my life's work. But then there's the morning after - the hangover, the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. and she's gone and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

Hank

You know maybe if you just relaxed for half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate, then you might wake up one morning next to one.

Hank

Becca: Sometimes I think I'd be happy to stay a virgin forever. Seems like once you get laid -
Chelsea: Your life basically turns to shit?

Charlie? Charlie Runkle? Are you inside that woman?

Marcy

We're 100% sure she's a 100% woman, right?

Hank

Hank: At least I'm not tucking my dong in class, not with my pants off anyway.
Felicia: Have you taken the sexual harassment seminar yet?

I am saying that if you can do anything else with your life right now, anything at all, I think maybe you should do that the world doesn't need any more lame vampire fiction, you know what I'm saying? You with me amigo?

Hank

If you and I were trapped on a desert island, it would only be a matter of time before I was putting it in your pooper.

Charlie

Charlie: Can I ask you a question, Sue?
Sue: The answer is yes, I would love a face ride.

Marcie: What are you thinking?
Charlie: Guess I thought it was something you might enjoy. You know, and maybe in the middle, you'd be like, 'God, I really do love this schmuck.'
Marcie: You thought that in the middle of raping me, I'd realize how much I love you?

Hank: Wait a second...you guys are stoned!
Becca: Dad, please!
Hank: Tell me where you got the weed, I will kill the motherf***er, tell me!
Becca: In your typewriter.

Charlie: I've been collecting passes all morning. it's too long, it's too self-indulgent, it's too hateful, too misogynistic, it's too soft, it's too mean-spirited..
Hank: Like those are bad things?

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 74 in total

Californication Season 3 Quotes

Marcy: It's been sitting on the market for months now, Charlie, it's not selling.
Charlie: Well, maybe if you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor in LA with a cougar fetish back to the house, you could get it sold.
Marcy: First, it's our house, and second, if you weren't too busy trying to shove your angry inch into every damaged case that crosses your path, we wouldn't even be in this mess to begin with!

I know you're saving the planet and all, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole!

Hank