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Draw the tape worm out of him with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality

Abed [to Britta about Jeff]

Abed: Sometimes I like to pour hot chocolate mix into cold milk and drink it with hot cocoa, I call it special drink
Jeff: And some day you will know it by its true name, diabetes

Jeff: Every piece of that condo is a piece of my life
Britta: Is that a bidet?
Jeff: That part is for resale value and Saturday afternoons

The next person that offers me pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note


Abed: Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep last night about farm animals or Brian Williams?
Jeff: ...I don't think so.
Abed: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. [edit]

Maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe, if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd, with less direction in life


TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me... unless you count Cop Rock


Love is a gamble always, but waiting won't change the dice. Either you roll them or you lose your turn

Shirley [to Annie]

Downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person, maybe even become one.

Britta [to Jeff]
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