Caterer [regarding the leftovers]: Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan

Cheryl [referring to the caterer who stole their food]: You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional

Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
Larry: That's my specialty, length.
Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Larry: What'd you pay for this?
Jeff: It's personal.
Larry: "Personal?" What are you, insane?

You should never listen to Jeff for anything. I don't know why I have to keep telling you that


Next time you do one of these [dinner parties], I want some Jews in the house. Some Cohns, some Bernsteins, some Goldsteins... a Schwartz


Jeff: You never congratulated me on my new car.
Larry: What, are you kidding?
Jeff: No, I'm not kidding. I was pretty hurt by it.
Larry: I never congratulated your new car?
Jeff: I was hurt by it

What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing

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