You're saying LOL. You're verbal texting.


You say what everyone's thinking. You just come out with it. It's impressive.

Ron (to Larry)

She's an adult when she turns 13 or learns to make her first latkes.


Juliet: How are the potatoes?
Larry: Actually, the potatoes are a little cold.

He has no balls. I have a solid single ball.


Man: So you think all Black people look alike?
Larry: I think all computers look alike.

Richard: What's half a double D?
Larry: No, B minus. Minus is closer to the D. What's closer to the D? The minus or the plus?

You're comparing breasts with balls? People hate balls.


I have no problem with crying in a grocery store. I would suggest, however, the next time you feel overwhelmed by something, to go to a different section.


Woman: Do you want to apologize to my dog? Because you really yelled at my dog.
Larry: Yeah, it's very hard to apologize to a dog because they're a stupid animal.

I don't know where you were living before, but I think this would probably be a step up. You hit the jackpot with this place, huh?


She was upset? Her dog pooped all over my yard, three times.


Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Larry: "Bald asshole?" That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community... with all due respect

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?