Richard: He's my dermatologist.
Larry: Really?
Richard: For 15 years now.
Larry: Even with the whole affirmative-action thing?

[My mom] said, "Larry felt my bosom, and held it there for several seconds"


Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams".

Craig: How long were you and Cheryl dating before you got married?
Larry: Not that long, really. We were friends for a while, and after we had intercourse we got married very quickly

Nobody likes to fly. I don't even like to drive. And I don't like walking


Jeff: Do you know what 'Indian giving' is?
Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with it

Larry: I need a letter of apology from your friend.
Jeff: Retraction, retraction!
Larry: Retraction? What are they going to say? "We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant 'aunt.'"

Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: No, she didn't!
Larry: Killed herself!
Jeff: Why?
Larry: Why? Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't that?
Jeff: That is really rude

Caterer [regarding the leftovers]: Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan

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