Ian: Well you know my number, it's only fair. Is it more than three?
Susan: Nine
Ian: Please tell me you're answering in German...
Susan: Nine lovers is not a lot! Nine lovers does not make me a slut!
Ian: Why are you getting upset?
Susan: Because it was really 11 and I knocked off two and you're still judging me!
Ian: I'm not judging you it's just... Did you work in the recording industry?

Lynette: God, I hate my life
Gaby: I know, I wouldn't trade with you for anything

Take a number I'm with a client.

Susan

Orson Hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon. Indeed, he'd begun planning it the moment Bree Van De Kamp agreed to marry him. They'd start by flying first class, to an exclusive 5-star hotel, where they'd spend their days by the pool, and their nights making love. And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue... forever.

Mary Alice

Gabrielle: How could you do this to me? I never would've let you seduce me if I knew you were getting married!
John: Well you didn't have any problems sleeping with me when you were married.
Gabrielle: You knew about Carlos, my cheating was upfront and honest!

(Susan just told Ian that she's slept with 11 men in her life.)
Ian: Where are you going?
Susan: To bed! Alone! You know, it's always something I wanted to try, but I've never got around.

(Tom is on the phone with Lynette)
Tom: I can barely sit up. The kids are running wild. I need you to come up here.
Lynette: Why don't you take a muscle relaxer?
Tom: I've already taken two, they're not working.
Lynette: Well, why don't you give them to the kids?
Tom: Lynette! ... Parker! For the last time, put DOWN the DAMN AXE!
Lynette: Oh... alright, I'll be there as soon as I can.

(to Andrew) . I know about rage. I know how it eats you up. But rage goes away, and when it does, you're just left with the mess you've made.

Orson

(leaving the elevator) Don't laugh. I saved a bundle on airfare.

Gabrielle

Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.
Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.
Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.

Nora: You think I'm crazy.
Lynette: No! You're colorful... Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Ian: Well, there are... There are two bedrooms. One is mine... And there's a guest room.
Susan: A guest room. That, well, that's handy.
Ian: Yeah. Uh, unless, of course, you'd like to sleep in my room...
In which case, I would take the guest room.
Susan: Oh! I... uh, no, no! I should take the guest room because I am the guest.

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Episode 3 Quotes

We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying, so we can get home
that much sooner... Assuming, of course, there will be someone there
to greet us when we arrive. Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're
desperate to move on? Because we all know
there's a chance... We might let go too soon.

</i>

Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.
Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.
Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.