Mike: You know, I retract my earlier statement. I no longer love you. In fact, I just think of you as a really good buddy.
Susan: No. No, no, no. You obviously think you have some insight into my soul, so please, go ahead, dazzle me.
Mike: Your divorce left you hurt and vulnerable.
Susan: Big insight. The postman knows that.

Edie Britt could never understand why she didn't have any female friends. Of course, she always tried to tell people she didn't need any, but the truth was, it bothered Edie that other women didn't seem to like her. Even after moving to Wisteria Lane, Edie couldn't understand why her neighbors kept their distance. And then she met Martha Huber. Within five minutes, Mrs. Huber managed to disparage what Edie was wearing. In fact, whenever they got together, Mrs. Huber insulted her. She made fun of everything from Edie's makeup to her taste in men. Yes, Martha Huber could be cruel, offensive, and downright mean. But Edie didn't care, because she was the first real friend Edie Britt had ever had. But now Martha Huber was missing. She had vanished without a trace, and Edie was not embarrassed to admit, she needed her back

Mary Alice

Maisy: Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?
Bree: Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?

Bree: As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?
Rex: Bree...
Bree: And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that

Maisy: You're not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more.
Bree: Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you

To understand Maisy Gibbons, you first need to know how she spent her afternoons. Her mornings were spent running errands for her husband. Her evenings were spent washing dishes and helping with homework. But her afternoons, well, they were spent in the company of men. Frustrated. Misunderstood. Lonely men. Willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons was willing to help them

Mary Alice

Every morality play has its cast of characters. There is always an innocent victim...a deceitful villain...a prosecutor who seeks the truth...a magistrate that dispenses justice...and a lawyer who charges too much

Mary Alice

No one knew where Martha Huber was, and Edie Britt was starting to worry. Edie didn't like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles. So, out of concern for her face and Mrs. Huber, Edie decided to find out what was going on

Mary Alice

Bree: Were you with a woman? Did you tell her that you have a wife or does that hinder your pick-up style?
Rex: All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!
Bree: Options?! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex

Gabrielle: Susan, hi. Do you want to help with the seating cards?
Susan: Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?
Gabrielle: Oh, that. He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird.
Susan: You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

Gabrielle: I'm the one who was sleeping your son. I'm so sorry.
Helen: So when it started, he was sixteen?
Gabrielle: But Helen you have to believe me, it's over now.
Helen: Oh no, it's not even close to being over

Edie: Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?
Lynette: Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?
Edie: This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body.
Lynette: That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 222 in total

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Andrew
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