Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 18: "Children Will Listen"

Mary Alice: Children come into the world with their own agendas. Some to brighten our days, some to test our patience, some to give us purpose, some to take care of us. Yes, when they come children change everything. Especially when they're not invited
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us and, then...
Lynette: We're screwed.
Tom: Exactly
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 17: "There Won't Be Trumpets"

Gabrielle: What?
Carlos: You never liked Mama.
Gabrielle: Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it.
Carlos: She loved you.
Gabrielle: She treated me like trash! God rest her soul.
Carlos: I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies.
Gabrielle: Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot.
Carlos: She was a queen
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Bree: Camp Hennessy. Teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere.
Rex: The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence!
Bree: Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries
 • Rating: 3.3 / 5.0

Edie [to Bill]: Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.
Susan: You tracked us down.
Edie: Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan.
Susan: No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
Edie: I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Bill: Am I in the middle of something here?
Edie: Not anymore. You... (to Susan) ...I will hate forever. And you... (to Bill) ...are fired.
Susan: Edie!
Bill: You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
Edie: Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.
Andrew: Sure.
Bree: Now, not five hours from now.
Andrew: I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks."
Bree: No!
Andrew: What?
Bree: You no longer get an allowance.
Andrew: Fine. I'm not taking out the trash
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: Tom, am I a bad person?
Tom: No, why would you say that?
Lynette: I don't know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped.
Tom: Well, I did try to warn you.
Lynette: You did. Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I mean...
Tom: You were just looking out for your friend.
Lynette: Yeah, a lot of good it did her.
Tom: At least you tried. I admire you for that.
Lynette: Oh, please.
Tom: Hey, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene. But you, you knew it was wrong and you let him have it.
Lynette: That's me. Never afraid to create a scene.
Tom: My point is you have a strong sense of what is right and you are not afraid to act on it and I admire you for that.
Lynette: You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say "I told you so". (leans over and kisses Tom. Tom signs something to her) You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
Tom: You'll never prove it
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: In the Coma Ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight. The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning. Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job. Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics. Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband. But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in Room 312. Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months. Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered. Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital. But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth. And then one night...Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up. Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care. The truth was finally going to come out. Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Mary Alice: We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their goodness. But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued. Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 16: "The Ladies Who Lunch"

Bree: Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.
Rex: Bree...
Bree: I will scream... about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: Do you believe in evil Edie?
Edie: Of course I do, I work in real estate
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for an answer
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Susan: Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "Hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "Wow, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy you could have turned to me and said, "Oh, by the way, I did that once." You didn't!
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: As I see it good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, but great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.
Lynette: Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber?"
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal. Some scandals announce themselves with a shout. Some with a whisper. And some with bang. And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise. Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world
 • Rating: Unrated

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