Rex: Everybody's staring. Bree, it's humiliating.
Bree: Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbon's nightstand

Lynette: I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.
Gabrielle: Obviously someone who is not getting it at home

Maisy: I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with

Yes, everyone loves a scandal no matter how big or small. After all, what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty? What could be more amusing than the pubic exposure of hypocritical sinners? Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one, well, the next one is always around the corner

Mary Alice

Bree: So what are you saying, the twins killed Martha?
Lynette: Well, I wouldn't put it past them

John: Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
John: Sure. So, what can I do for you?
Bree: Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it

Susan: Oh, God, you scared me.
Mike: How'd it go?
Susan: It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking.
Mike: Susan...
Susan: How could you? God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Yes, of course I do." Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there.
Mike: Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--
Susan: Stop! Stop, Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever

Justin: I want to do you a favor.
Gabrielle: What kind of favor?
Justin: Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free.
Gabrielle: You want to mow my lawn for free?
Justin: Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you.
Gabrielle: That's very generous of you, but I don't think so.
Justin: Why?
Gabrielle: Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.
Justin: Well, this is a beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention.
Gabrielle: I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Justin: Mrs. Solis, please.
Gabrielle: Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest.
Justin: Oh?
Gabrielle: He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on

Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't

Mary Alice

Bree: Andrew is still a child.
Rex: He's sixteen. It's not unheard of.
Bree: Honey, you have to talk to him.
Rex: And tell him what?
Bree: Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - you know.
Rex: I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good.
Bree: Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them.
Rex: And that will accomplish what?
Bree: Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe...
Rex: He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex

Mrs. McCluskey: How old are you boys anyway?
Porter: We're six.
Mrs. McCluskey: And you?
Parker: Five.
Mrs. McCluskey: Wow, your mum just pops them out doesn't she?
Preston: How old are you?
Mrs. McCluskey: How old do you think?
Porter: 150

Rex: For gods sake, you promised to be supportive.
Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?