Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes
Rex: Everybody's staring. Bree, it's humiliating.
Bree: Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbon's nightstand
Lynette: I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.
Gabrielle: Obviously someone who is not getting it at home
Maisy: I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with
Yes, everyone loves a scandal no matter how big or small. After all, what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty? What could be more amusing than the pubic exposure of hypocritical sinners? Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one, well, the next one is always around the corner
Mary Alice
Bree: So what are you saying, the twins killed Martha?
Lynette: Well, I wouldn't put it past them
John: Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
John: Sure. So, what can I do for you?
Bree: Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it
Susan: Oh, God, you scared me.
Mike: How'd it go?
Susan: It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking.
Mike: Susan...
Susan: How could you? God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Yes, of course I do." Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there.
Mike: Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--
Susan: Stop! Stop, Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever
Justin: I want to do you a favor.
Gabrielle: What kind of favor?
Justin: Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free.
Gabrielle: You want to mow my lawn for free?
Justin: Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you.
Gabrielle: That's very generous of you, but I don't think so.
Justin: Why?
Gabrielle: Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.
Justin: Well, this is a beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention.
Gabrielle: I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Justin: Mrs. Solis, please.
Gabrielle: Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest.
Justin: Oh?
Gabrielle: He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on
Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't
Mary Alice
Bree: Andrew is still a child.
Rex: He's sixteen. It's not unheard of.
Bree: Honey, you have to talk to him.
Rex: And tell him what?
Bree: Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - you know.
Rex: I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good.
Bree: Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them.
Rex: And that will accomplish what?
Bree: Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe...
Rex: He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex
Mrs. McCluskey: How old are you boys anyway?
Porter: We're six.
Mrs. McCluskey: And you?
Parker: Five.
Mrs. McCluskey: Wow, your mum just pops them out doesn't she?
Preston: How old are you?
Mrs. McCluskey: How old do you think?
Porter: 150
Rex: For gods sake, you promised to be supportive.
Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?