So I'm gonna go shopping and then I'm gonna see my trainer, and I'll definitely be gone for, like, three hours. Okay. Well, I gotta go. Have fun.

Gabrielle

Dr. Barr: Hey there. I was surprised to hear you wanted a session.
Bree: Well, there's nothing like being tied to a bed to change a girl's mind.
Dr. Barr: What do you wanna talk about?
Bree: Anything at all. As you said, I...I have a lot of issues.
Dr. Barr: Well, I assumed as much when you told the ridiculous story about your daughter running off with a murderer.
Bree: Saw right through that, did ya?
Dr. Barr: Well, I'm a trained professional, Bree. The human mind is my playground.
Bree: Well, I'm glad that you're having fun.

Betty: You did it. You killed Melanie. You put your jacket on her body. I saw it, Matthew. The police showed me the pictures.
Matthew: Now you weren't there. You don't know what happened.
Betty: Oh, god.
Matthew: Caleb hurt her, and Melanie threatened to bring us all down because of that.
Betty: So your solution was to make your brother think he murdered a girl and to make me think it?
Matthew: What other choice did I have? I knew that you wouldn't hand Caleb over to the police. I knew that you would protect him.

Bree: Excuse me. Do you have the time?
Alfred: Yeah, it's just after 8.
Bree: Oh, I was afraid of that.
Alfred: Afraid of what?
Bree: Well, I'm only supposed to be restrained until 7. You see, I have a problem with sleepwalking. They just tie me up so that I don't wander off and hurt myself.
Alfred: Yeah, well, I'm sure a nurse will be in here soon.

Nora: Hi.
Lynette: Hi. Did you get the check?
Nora: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Do you have a minute?
Lynette: Tom?!
Nora: I'm not the type of person that can keep things bottled up inside.
Lynette: Really?
Nora: So I'm just gonna have to get this off my chest. You made me feel really bad about myself yesterday at the restaurant.
Lynette: My sincerest apologies.
Nora: You treated me like some sort of mercenary, like the only reason I came here was to extort money from you.
Lynette: Well, to be honest, first, we bought you pie, then you tried to extort money from us.

Bree: Have they rung up your prescription yet?
Rex: No, they're getting it right now.
Bree: Good, add that on.
Rex: You're dying your hair honey wheat blond?
Bree: Oh, it's not for me, it's for Danielle. That hair is going back to the color god intended.
Rex: You actually think she's gonna sit still as you towel this through her hair?
Bree: Oh, I will tie her down if necessary. I'm also thinking of checking her body for piercings while I'm at it.

Betty: I would have protected you.
Matthew: Well, I really couldn't count on that.
Betty: Matthew...
Matthew: You don't love me as much as you love Caleb. You never have.
Betty: Perhaps. But it's because he's needed me more. You are always going to find love in the world. Don't you understand? He was only ever going to get it from me.
Matthew: You know, I know you believe that. That's why I've tried so hard to forgive you. And who knows? Maybe one day I will.
(Betty goes to the phone and dials 911)
Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Betty: I need the police.

Nora: Hey, you! You must be Lynette.
Lynette: And you must be Nora.
Nora: I guess it'd be weird if we hugged.
Lynette: Probably.
Tom: Wh...where's Kayla?
Nora: Oh, she didn't come. We got into this huge fight, and I was, like...I just couldn't stand to look at her face on that long plane trip, so I dumped her at the neighbors. But, hey, come on, you got me.

Danielle: See, I told you she wasn't home. Her car's not even here.
Mathew: And you said the safe was upstairs?
Danielle: Damn it, my mother must have changed the combination.
Matthew: Okay. Wait here. I'll be right back.

Carlos: Okay, Gaby, can we please talk about this?! You're the one that gave me permission, remember? You said, "go have sex with somebody"!
Gabrielle: To have meaningless sex, Carlos. Not to sleep with the woman who's carrying our child!
Carlos: What is the matter?! Look, we're even! You had an affair, and I had an affair!
Gabrielle: I had a reason to. You were never here! I've been here, Carlos. I have tried so hard to not be selfish and to put your needs above mine. I mean, for god sakes, look at me! I have agreed to be a mother for you!
Carlos: Look, Gaby, you have every right to be mad at me. So I'm gonna go and check into a hotel room and let you cool down, but we are going to work this out.
Gabrielle: Forget the hotel, Carlos. Get a lease.

Gabrielle: Carlos, you promised you'd come home today. Well, I don't care what Tanaka wants! Rattling around this stupid house all by myself is not what I signed up for! No, no, no, don't hang up on me. I'm not done yelling at you!
John: Mrs. Solis, how are you?
Gabrielle: The best you've ever had.

Psychiatrist: I'm sorry. I don't mean to be flip, but you came here because you were troubled, and then you refuse any help we give you.
Bree: Things were falling apart at home, and I just...I just needed a place to rest, that's all.
Psychiatrist: I think there's more to it than that.
Bree: Do you?
Psychiatrist: I think it has to do with your kids. You don't want to talk about them. Why is that?
Bree: Probably because I'm ashamed.

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Edie: You don't have the guts.
Susan: In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it.
Edie: (holds up a set of keys) Yeah? I'll key your car!
Susan: Not if you're sucking my exhaust, you won't.
Edie: Take back what you said!
Susan: No, I won't!
Edie: Admit it, you'd do anything to destroy my happiness!
Susan: Edie, for God's sake. Why would I care if you end up with a man I despise?
Edie: 'Cause you and Mike are finished. Yeah, word's out. And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be, period.

Gabrielle: Xiao-Mei, how did you rip your panties?
Xiao-Mei: I fall down.