Gabrielle: What's so funny?
John: Me and my friend Justin had this bet. See who could lose their virginity first this summer at Bible Camp. Guess I beat him to the punch.
Gabrielle: You were a virgin?
John: So it didn't show?
Gabrielle: Oh, no. No, I mean, I guess it was, well, weird when you started naming the American presidents in order.
John: Ah, I wish you hadn't heard that. I was just trying to...
Gabrielle: No, no, you were good. Just, if it comes up in school, Paul Revere was never president.

Betty: You did it. You killed Melanie. You put your jacket on her body. I saw it, Matthew. The police showed me the pictures.
Matthew: Now you weren't there. You don't know what happened.
Betty: Oh, god.
Matthew: Caleb hurt her, and Melanie threatened to bring us all down because of that.
Betty: So your solution was to make your brother think he murdered a girl and to make me think it?
Matthew: What other choice did I have? I knew that you wouldn't hand Caleb over to the police. I knew that you would protect him.

Xiao-mei: I can go now, too?
Gabrielle: No, you can start dinner.
Xiao-mei: What?!
Gabrielle: You're not going anywhere, not as long as you have my baby in your belly.
(Xao-Mei speaks aggressively in Chinese)
Gabrielle: I don't know what that meant, but I didn't like the tone. So just remember, I am the boss of you, or else I'm gonna make this the worst nine months of your life.

Betty: I would have protected you.
Matthew: Well, I really couldn't count on that.
Betty: Matthew...
Matthew: You don't love me as much as you love Caleb. You never have.
Betty: Perhaps. But it's because he's needed me more. You are always going to find love in the world. Don't you understand? He was only ever going to get it from me.
Matthew: You know, I know you believe that. That's why I've tried so hard to forgive you. And who knows? Maybe one day I will.
(Betty goes to the phone and dials 911)
Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Betty: I need the police.

Nora: Hey, you! You must be Lynette.
Lynette: And you must be Nora.
Nora: I guess it'd be weird if we hugged.
Lynette: Probably.
Tom: Wh...where's Kayla?
Nora: Oh, she didn't come. We got into this huge fight, and I was, like...I just couldn't stand to look at her face on that long plane trip, so I dumped her at the neighbors. But, hey, come on, you got me.

Danielle: See, I told you she wasn't home. Her car's not even here.
Mathew: And you said the safe was upstairs?
Danielle: Damn it, my mother must have changed the combination.
Matthew: Okay. Wait here. I'll be right back.

Carlos: Okay, Gaby, can we please talk about this?! You're the one that gave me permission, remember? You said, "go have sex with somebody"!
Gabrielle: To have meaningless sex, Carlos. Not to sleep with the woman who's carrying our child!
Carlos: What is the matter?! Look, we're even! You had an affair, and I had an affair!
Gabrielle: I had a reason to. You were never here! I've been here, Carlos. I have tried so hard to not be selfish and to put your needs above mine. I mean, for god sakes, look at me! I have agreed to be a mother for you!
Carlos: Look, Gaby, you have every right to be mad at me. So I'm gonna go and check into a hotel room and let you cool down, but we are going to work this out.
Gabrielle: Forget the hotel, Carlos. Get a lease.

Gabrielle: Carlos, you promised you'd come home today. Well, I don't care what Tanaka wants! Rattling around this stupid house all by myself is not what I signed up for! No, no, no, don't hang up on me. I'm not done yelling at you!
John: Mrs. Solis, how are you?
Gabrielle: The best you've ever had.

Psychiatrist: I'm sorry. I don't mean to be flip, but you came here because you were troubled, and then you refuse any help we give you.
Bree: Things were falling apart at home, and I just...I just needed a place to rest, that's all.
Psychiatrist: I think there's more to it than that.
Bree: Do you?
Psychiatrist: I think it has to do with your kids. You don't want to talk about them. Why is that?
Bree: Probably because I'm ashamed.

Bree: My children were my life. They were the reason that I got up in the morning, so to have failed them as a parent...
Psychiatrist: You think you failed them as a parent?
Bree: Well, my son is a sociopath, and my daughter hates me enough to have run away from home. I'm certainly not gonna get "mother of the year" anytime soon.
Psychiatrist: If your kids were here right now, what would you tell them?
Bree: I would beg my son Andrew for forgiveness for having given up on him, and I would tell my daughter not to worry, that I have a plan to protect her.
Psychiatrist: And just what is that plan?

John: Well, you should be. I mean, the guy's never around. Hell, he's probably off having his own affair right now.
Gabrielle: Oh. I seriously doubt that.
John: How do you know?
Gabrielle:Because Carlos doesn't have an adulterous bone in his body. What we just did he could never do. For him, sex isn't just sex. it's a sign of intimacy. It's the way he shows love. You know, instead of talking and listening and spending time with me. (John kisses Gabrielle softly) What was that for?
John: Thought you needed a kiss.

Lynette: I don't see another way to make this work. We've gotta dip into the pensions.
Tom: Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Lynette: Well, it's that or the kids college fund. We'll write Nora one big check, and in return, she'll sign away her claim for the back child support. If we're lucky, she'll take the bird in the hand.
Tom: Okay, what are we talking about? How much?
Lynette: Well, we need to show her we're serious. $30,000.00?
Tom: Are you kidding? Thirty?
Lynette: If she takes you to court, we'll lose and end up paying 11 years of child support all at once. We could lose the house.

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

(To Felicia) How did you know I like macaroons?

Paul

Carlos: He's not going to sell his baby for $8000!
Gabrielle: Are we talking about the same idiot?! I think for $30,000 you throw in a kidney!