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(talking about Xiao-Mei) Bree, you heard what she said? I can't let this poor kid going back to China and become someone's slave!

Gabrielle

Susan: You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion. Lives are going to be ruined.
Detective: I'll tell you what, I'll hold off until Monday to report to Miss Britt. I'll give you some time to scrape together some cash.
Susan: What if I can't?
Detective: Boooom!!

Lynette: Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause, so until this blows over you have to be a model employee: show up on time, no more three martini lunches and above all, have ready all your presentations.
Tom: I can't believe I've been victimized like this.
Lynette: Honey, in all fairness...those are all things you should be doing anyway..
Tom: ...Fine!

Bree: Andrew, I'm having Peter over for dinner and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin?
Andrew: Yeah, thanks. I'll call him tonight.
Danielle: Since you to are having your boyfriends over, can I invite Matthew?
Bree: Out of the question!
Danielle: So let me get this straight. You can date a lech and he can bring over his gay lover but God forbid I date a hot black guy...

Susan: I've never stopped caring about you.
Mike: Then why did you jump in bed with Karl?
Susan: I would have never even gone there if I thought there was a chance with us. You just closed the door so completely, I- Can we just not talk about him? Have some more pie. (She feeds him) I know you like pie. I know you like me.

Tom: I have got the Boston Toy presentation ready to go.
Ed: Actually, I don't have time for a full pitch, so just give me the gist.
Tom: Excuse me?
Ed: You know, boil it down. Give me one line.
Tom: Okay, basically, it's "toys are fun".
Ed: Hate it.
Tom: How can you hate it? I only gave you three words.
Ed: It's three words I hate.

The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston. Try though he might, Oliver couldn't remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love. Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary? Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy? Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple across the street? Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic who only believed in betrayal and suspicion. Luckily for Oliver, that's what paid his bills.

Mary Alice

Susan: Oh! Darn it. Guess we'll have to take a rain check, huh?
Gus: I can come back on Tuesday.
Susan: Tu-Tuesday? No, no, Tuesday's not good, 'cause Tuesday's the day I, um, become a lesbian.

Carlos: I still can't believe it. I mean, why would Xiao-Mei just offer herself up to me like that?
Gabrielle: Well, honey, she's a virgin. Who knows why virgins do anything?
Carlos: She's a virgin? Are you serious?
Gabrielle: Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason.

Bree: Honey, you've got to eat something.
Gabrielle: Don't have an appetite. In fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something.
Lynette: No, no, you should keep it.
Edie: I'll take a couple. (All the ladies stare at her) What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void.

Xiao-Mei: I can't go home. My uncle will sell me again.
Gabrielle: Oh no, no Xiao-Mei, you're not going anywhere. You're much too important to Carlos and me. We're gonna fight this and we're gonna win!
Bree: Gaby, you can't promise her that!
Gabrielle: Bree, you heard what she said. I can't let this poor kid go back to China and become someone's slave!
Xiao-Mei: Thank you.
Gabrielle: All right, look my friends want to take some of this to go, so pack it up and we're a little low on coffee.

Susan: You're always worried about Julie and me and you beat up my new boyfriend. And now you're protecting me from Edie. Do you know what all that means?
Mike: That you're high maintenance?

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Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

(after Andrew tells her he hates her) The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right.

Bree

Excuse me, he has a magazine titled 'Leather Daddies In Love', that does not sound like a phase to me!

Eleanor