Dale: I got kinda held up in Florida longer than I thought.
Carlos: Spring break, right?
Dale: Yeah. Oh man, we were wasted twenty-four seven! Then I got the message and I just thought my friends were messin' with me. Those buttwads!

Lynette: You're an award-winning copywriter, Ed, you get paid to write!
Ed: Yeah, jingles for oatmeal, not soft-core porn!
Lynette: For God's sake, it's not brain surgery!

Gabby: (about the baby, crying): No! You dont even want to be a mother! We've been feeding her and - and bathing her! And we wake up in the middle of the night to rock her! And if you knew me i dont usually dont do that (to officer) i usually dont...Its too late! we've already fallen in love!

Edie: I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married and all you have to say to me is, 'I don't know'?
Karl: What else to do you want me to say? I'm sorry.
Edie: What's going on? Is there someone else? Oh my god!
(Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake)
Karl: Oh, crap.

Hello, everyone! I'm Gaby Solis, class of '94. Woo-hoo! I just wanted to give God a big shout out to this amazing season. The man upstairs has definitely been on your side. You wanna know why? Because you boys live clean. You keep your noses up. You stay out of trouble. And you don't go around getting strippers pregnant. And that's a good thing, 'cause if one of you caused a scandal like that, ha, not only would that guy get kicked off the team and lose all of his scholarships, but God would drop your school colors so fast it'd make your head spin! And then the football season would go to hell! No pun intended. So my point is, do the right thing and no one gets hurt.

Gabrielle

Carlos: My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me!
Gabrielle: That's what put her in an early grave! (long pause) Well that and the hit and run thing...

(stuttering) ...This is pornography for homosexuals!

Eleanor

Karl: Susie, Susie!
Susan: Our marriage was garbage! Stupid, disgusting pile of garbage!
Karl: No, no, don't say that.
Susan: And I regret everything that came of it!
Karl: Don't do this right now.
Susan: Ugh! (to Julie) Except you, honey. You're my rock. (to Karl) Ooh, out! Get out!
Karl: I promise you I'm gonna break up with Edie and make this right. I'll call you when it's done.
Susan: Don't bother! I won't pick up.

Mike: So how did the two of you meet?
Orson: Oh well I've been her dentist for years... last week i was looking in her mouth and decided to put my tongue in it.

(while eating a Fudgsicle) Parker offered me a Fudgsicle if I would show him my vagina.

Mrs. McCluskey

Excuse me, he has a magazine titled 'Leather Daddies In Love', that does not sound like a phase to me!

Eleanor

Parker: I don't believe you.
Lynette: Parker I'm your mother! Mothers don't lie to their sons! Now, go wash your hands or Santa's not going to bring you anything for Christmas.

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Sister Mary: Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for.
Gabrielle: Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me.
Sister Mary: Some marriages are meant to be annulled.
Gabrielle: What the hell kind of nun are you? Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down.
Sister Mary: I grew up on the south side of Chicago. If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
Gabrielle: You listen to me, you little bitch. You do not want to start a war with me.
Sister Mary: Well, I have God on my side. Bring it on.

Andrew: When the cops get here, my official position will be "Oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!" I think I might even throw in a few tears.
Bree: You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?
Andrew: Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.