Susan: Thank you so much for helping me out.
Orson: Hey, I'm great in a crisis.
Susan: Well, I definitely picked the right person to sit next to, actually, is this seat taken?
Orson: No.
Susan: Okay. You can share my popcorn.
(A lady sits next to Orson)
Orson: Um Susan, this is Becky, I'll probably be sharing her popcorn.
Susan: I'll just wait till the lights go out, and then I'll go.

Eleanor: Hello, I'm Eleanor Mason, Bree's stepmother. You're the lawyer? We should talk
Peter: Ah, no, I'm not her lawyer
Eleanor: Good, the hair had me worried!

Mike: So how did the two of you meet?
Orson: Oh well I've been her dentist for years... last week i was looking in her mouth and decided to put my tongue in it.

Andrew: Well could you live with a woman who hits you.
Elenor: Bree!
Bree: I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Grandpa: (to Bree) You were drinking?
Elenor: She's in AA. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic giving how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbours mother with your car.
Elenor: Is she OK?
Bree: She's dead.
Andrew: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend commited suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad.
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of mollestation ... in a mall!
Grandpa: You know the technique works better if you don't talk right away.

Felicia: Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?
Paul: There's shortening on my doorstep.
Felicia: Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.

Eleanor: It took me a week to forgive Esperanza.
Henry: Now she's like family again.
Eleanor: Family who stole from us.

Carlos: My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me!
Gabrielle: That's what put her in an early grave! (long pause) Well that and the hit and run thing...

Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. As a teacher, she had found the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame in their parents. Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed than others. Yes, Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. She also believed when someone has that power, it's a shame not to use it.

Mary Alice

Paul: These little mind games are going to stop, right now!
Felicia: And if they don't, what are going to do? Blow your brains out, like your wife did?

(voiceover) We've all done something in our lives we're ashamed of. Some of us have fallen for the wrong man. (Shot of Karl standing on Susan's porch in his boxers.) Some have let go of the right woman. (Shot of Mike and his date at the movie theatre) There are those who have humiliated their parents (Shot of Parker playing with a puppy) And those who have failed their children (Shot of Gabrielle watching Lily sleep) Yes, we've all made mistakes that diminish us and those we love. (Shot of Bree bringing out a pie to the table) But there is redemption if we try to learn from those mistakes and grow. (Bree cuts the pie while Andrew and Justin play cards)

Mary Alice

Mrs. Pate: Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.
Lynette: What kind of cookie?
Mrs. Pate: What does that matter?
Lynette: Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

Lynette: That's not why you came to apologize is it?
Bree: What do you mean?
Lynette: To soften me up for the deposition...

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Sister Mary: Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for.
Gabrielle: Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me.
Sister Mary: Some marriages are meant to be annulled.
Gabrielle: What the hell kind of nun are you? Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down.
Sister Mary: I grew up on the south side of Chicago. If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
Gabrielle: You listen to me, you little bitch. You do not want to start a war with me.
Sister Mary: Well, I have God on my side. Bring it on.

Andrew: When the cops get here, my official position will be "Oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!" I think I might even throw in a few tears.
Bree: You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?
Andrew: Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.