Tom: Susan, have you talked to Lynette.
Susan: Uh, no. Have you tried her cell?
Tom: Yeah, she isn't picking up. Do you know where she is?
Susan: Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Tom: Susan, I think you do.
Susan: Really don't, Tom. Is everything okay?
Tom: Yeah. Yeah, we just had a fight. Listen, if you talk to her, will you please ask her to call me? Thank you.

(on TV) Jim, it was just an hour ago that the road crew working here on Route 57 saw a member of their own killed by oncoming traffic. The victim was a Hispanic male in his early forties, who, for years, was a prominent businessman in the area. Police aren't releasing a name until the next of kin can be notified. We, of course, will keep you updated...

Newsman Craig

Bree: Hello. I'm Bree Van de Kamp, your new neighbor. Is this your frog?
Mary Alice: Yes. Why?
Bree: Well, it seems that my son stole it from your yard.
Mary Alice: Oh, well, I don't mind. If he likes it so much, he's welcome to keep it.
Bree: Well, don't tell him that. If he doesn't feel guilty he'll never learn shame.

Gabrielle: Honey, look. I bought us matching golf outfits for our lessons tomorrow.
Carlos: Yeah, about that-I can't go. I gotta pick up trash on the freeway.
Gabrielle: I'm sorry?
Carlos: I have to do my community service. It's part of my parole, remember?
Gabrielle: Oh, okay, well, I'll just call the country club and cancel our lessons.
Carlos: No, no, no. I am...I paid already. Might as well go without me.
Gabrielle: I don't wanna go alone. It was your idea in the first place.
Carlos: And I'd love to be there with you, too, if I didn't have to scrape slushies and condoms off Route 57. Look, what's the big deal? Just go take the stupid lesson.
Gabrielle: Fine, if you feel that way about it. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm just a little on edge today.

Bree: This is my husband Rex.
Rex:Hi. We're not weird. We just seem like we are.
Bree: And this is my son... the criminal. Go on.
Young Andrew: I'm sorry I stole from you. Just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent.
Susan: Wow.
Bree: Well, is there anything you'd like to say to my son?

Dr. Barr: It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism. That's a lot of trauma for one year. What about your kids?
Bree: Oh, they're fine. Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp.
Dr. Barr: What's your relationship with them like?
Bree: What do you mean?
Dr. Barr: Are you close? Do they share things with you?
What do you feel about them?
Bree: You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense. Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not?
Dr. Barr: No.
Bree: Fine. Then I'm going back to my room.

Susan: Hey, what's going on?
Mary Alice: Oh, um, this is our new neighbor. It seems her son accidentally took my garden frog.
Susan: Oh.
Bree: Please don't make excuses for him. That is exactly what his father does. Rex!

Carlos: Hey, babe. Why you home so early?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey! Oh, you're not dead!
Carlos: Who said I was dead?
Garielle: The police. They called me.
Carlos: What are you talking about?
Gabrielle: Honey, they didn't know all the details, but a witness said that they saw you run into the carpool lane to pick up a lawn chair that had fallen off some truck, and then a bus hit you right in front of the road crew. Why aren't you at the road crew?

Gabrielle: Well, Carlos, they had your name.
Carlos: Oh, no. poor Ralph.
Gabrielle: Oh! Why is your back all sweaty?
Carlos: I was working out on the treadmill.
Gabrielle: Barefoot?

Bree, hi. It's Betty. I'm sorry to leave this on the machine, but the police have evidence that implicates Matthew in the murder of Melanie Foster. We have to find them, Bree. We have to find them and get Danielle back.

Betty

I met Bree Van de Kamp the first day she moved to Wisteria Lane. There are certain people, who, when you meet them, can't help but make a delightful first impression.

Mary Alice

Lynette: Guys? Could you come here for a second? We need to have a serious talk. Okay, we have had a great... vacation, but tomorrow we're going home, except we're not going to our home. We're gonna go stay with Grandma.
Porter: Is dad gonna be there?
Lynette: No, dad is not gonna be there, but he--he is gonna come and see you guys all the time. We are still
gonna be a family. It's just... we won't be living in the same place anymore. So...is there any questions you wanna ask me?
Porter: Can we go swimming now?

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Sister Mary: Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for.
Gabrielle: Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me.
Sister Mary: Some marriages are meant to be annulled.
Gabrielle: What the hell kind of nun are you? Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down.
Sister Mary: I grew up on the south side of Chicago. If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
Gabrielle: You listen to me, you little bitch. You do not want to start a war with me.
Sister Mary: Well, I have God on my side. Bring it on.

Andrew: When the cops get here, my official position will be "Oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!" I think I might even throw in a few tears.
Bree: You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?
Andrew: Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.