Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 2 Episode 22: "No One Is Alone"

Carlos: Do you have to be so high-maintenance?
Gabrielle: You married a model, Carlos. Maintenance is my only skill!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Gabrielle: Fine, I'll learn to live without product. But when my hair starts smelling like hair, I don't want to hear a word.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carlos: We're gonna have a baby!
Gabrielle: Oh.
Doctor: You should know that since she's experiencing early symptoms, this might be a tough pregnancy for her.
Carlos: Not a problem. We are gonna treat her like a queen!
Gabrielle: Absolutely. You have nothing to worry about here.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: I think it's going to be a kick having Susan and Julie stay with us. It'll be like living in a sorority. We'll stay up late and we'll gossip and make s'mores. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Danielle: Why are you pretending to be happy? I heard you walking around your room all night long. Crying.
Bree: I don't want to talk about it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: Atlantic City?
Tom: Yeah, it's last minute, but Jerry got a great deal on a suite at one of the casinos and a bunch of the old gang is coming in from New York and, god, it's been forever since I have been so, how could I turn that down?
Lynette: Yeah, how indeed.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I didn't say anything.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette:Tom, it would be better for your general well-being if you did not laugh at this moment in time.
Tom:Am I going to have to ruin the surprise? Because it's a really good surprise.
Lynette:I'm thinking yeah, ruin it.
Tom:I have been going to Atlantic City for business. I am up for a top spot with Jerry's firm, Huffington Promotions. And if you don't believe me, you can call the CEO himself.
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: Carlos! What's going on?
Carlos: Xiao-Mei is feeling under the weather, so I took up the vacuuming.
Gabrielle: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So, uh, did you move my beauty products? They're not in the bathroom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Surprise!
Danielle: What the hell is that?
Bree: Isn't it darling? I made it for your party. It's a big one and a big seven, for seventeen!
Danielle: Were you up all night making that thing?
Bree: Yeah, I just wasn't tired. Oh, I want to show you what else I planned. I think you're gonna love it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Matthew: Mom. Look, I know you're out there. Please, just talk to me. Mom, I need something to drink. Just some water, some juice, something, anything, please. (bangs on the door) Mom! You want me to say I set Caleb up. Yeah, I did it. I started thinking about all those years, years that we had to take care of him and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life. And I'm sorry. But Mom, you have got to let me out of here, now!
(Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.)
Betty: You! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason. It's an unforgivable betrayal! I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Hello. My name is Bree Van de Kamp and I'd like to admit myself for psychiatric observation.
Receptionist: All right, what seems to be the problem?
Bree: I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Susan: Okay, first let me say I'm really sorry about the yellowjackets. And also, no matter how mad I am about what I did, I don't want to see you go to prison. So, I came up with the solution. Why don't you just come forward and tell the police that you saw some vagrant lurking by my garage with a can of gasoline. And if you do that then I'll destroy the tape. And then the insurance company will pay the claim. Nobody gets hurt. Does that sound good?
Edie: Come closer.
Susan: Oh, ah.
Edie: Take your stinking deal and shove it!
Susan: Edie!
Edie: Every time something bad happens to me you're standing nearby. Well, I've had it! No more pretending to be friends. When I get out of here, I'm gonna destroy you!
Susan: Okay, I'm just gonna think that this is the meds talking and I'll come back tomorrow.
Edie: Don't bother!
Susan: Okay, Edie. I'm in trouble here.
Edie: Oh, I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks and the whole neighborhood'll come running. They always do.
Susan: That's not true!
Edie: Sure it is! You never miss an opportunity to play the victim! And you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue, it means that you're loved. Well, it doesn't. It means that you're helpless. Now get out. Just get out.
 • Rating: Unrated

Edie: What do you want?
Susan: Uh, this is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but um...by any chance, did you burn down my house?
Edie: Yes.
Susan: What?
Edie: Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore.
Susan: Edie! Why would you do that?
Edie: Can you blame me after sending me that acid letter?
Susan: Letter? What letter?
Edie: The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl.
Susan: You weren't supposed to get that! I stole that back from the mailman.
Edie: So, you were trying to hide the truth from me?
Susan: This is not what we should focus on right now. The point is you maliciously set fire to my house!
Edie: Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad.
Susan: A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can't just go around burning down people's homes!
Edie: Why not? You burnt down my home! You stole Mike from me! You slept with my fiance! That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car!
Susan: That's it! I'm going to the police and I'm telling them what you did!
Edie: Did what? I didn't do anything.
Susan: Wha--? You just confessed!
Edie: No, I didn't. Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses. No evidence. No confession. I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Susan moves closer to Edie. Edie looks at Susan suspiciously.)
Edie: You're wearing a wire, aren't you?
Susan: Huh?
Edie: Open that blouse!
Susan: What? No!
Edie: Open that blouse!
(Edie rips open Susan's blouse and sees the microphone. Susan runs.)
Edie: Ahhhhh! You can't outrun me, Mayer. I'm in the best shape of my life!
Susan: Oh good. Then you'll be prime meat picking when you go to jail!
Edie: You bitch!
Susan: Bite me!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Susan turns on the recorder under her shirt and knocks on Edie's door. Edie answers the door eating a bag of popcorn. She tries to slam the door. Susan holds the door)
Susan: No, Edie, wait! Um, I don't want to fight. I know that we've had our differences, but you know we had a friendship going on there and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened.
Edie: What's there to talk about? It happened. (she chews the popcorn as she talks) I walked down to your house. I had this watering can.
Susan: What?
Edie (muffled): I filled it with gasoline and boom! Laughed my ass off.
Susan: Okay, wait, could you just swallow? 'Cause I couldn't really hear what you were saying.
Edie: Well, that was basically it. One of the best days of my life.
Susan: Well, see you were chewing and so I didn't really hear what you said. Could you just say it again?
Edie: I burnt you house down and it was great. What do you want?
Susan: So, uh, you then admit burning down my house. On purpose.
 • Rating: Unrated

Paul (Upon discovering Felicia's severed fingers in his car): She's good!
 • Rating: Unrated

(After dropping keys due to her severed fingers)
Felicia: Sometimes, I'm just all thumbs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 21: "I Know Things Now"

Lynette: Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause, so until this blows over you have to be a model employee: show up on time, no more three martini lunches and above all, have ready all your presentations.
Tom: I can't believe I've been victimized like this.
Lynette: Honey, in all fairness...those are all things you should be doing anyway..
Tom: ...Fine!
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion. Lives are going to be ruined.
Detective: I'll tell you what, I'll hold off until Monday to report to Miss Britt. I'll give you some time to scrape together some cash.
Susan: What if I can't?
Detective: Boooom!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: (talking about Xiao-Mei) Bree, you heard what she said? I can't let this poor kid going back to China and become someone's slave!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Andrew, I'm having Peter over for dinner and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin?
Andrew: Yeah, thanks. I'll call him tonight.
Danielle: Since you to are having your boyfriends over, can I invite Matthew?
Bree: Out of the question!
Danielle: So let me get this straight. You can date a lech and he can bring over his gay lover but God forbid I date a hot black guy...
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "Desperate Housewives" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!