I'll change the locks post-haste. Set a few traps.

Sherlock [on his father visiting the brownstone]

Which one? Our overgrown putt-putt golf course? Or our condemned warehouse full of asbestos?

Davis Potter [on his business properties]

So, I walked all the way to the eastern edge of the property, and I did not find a thing. No dead bodies, no secret hideouts, no smoke monster. There's plenty of mud, though.

Joan

I'm quite certain they were staging a fake murder when they fell victim to two real ones.

Sherlock

Sherlock: You're typically more expansive after your first hit of caffeine.
Joan: Yeah, well, you brought a bald cat to breakfast. I'm a little distracted.

Joan: You know, we don't have to do this whole 'secret agent' thing. We could just, ah, talk like normal people.
Emil Kurtz: That's easy for you to say. You're not the one spying on Morland Holmes!

You're not supposed to be an "asset," you're supposed to be a scientist, an impartial seeker of truth! But you're not! You're a charlatan! And you've sent at least one innocent man to prison, Louis Bowman!

Sherlock

We'd show you the crime scene photographs, but you'd probably just "recontextualize" them.

Sherlock

So this guy rips off other people's selfies, blows them up, and charges a hundred grand apiece? Surprised I"m not investigating *his* murder.

Detective Bell

Congratulations, Holmes. You just helped three spies get away with murder.

NSA Agent Dean McNally

By all means, distract me while I'm holding 240 volts in my hand!

Sherlock

Lin Wen: You think he was two-timing you!
Joan: Say he was. That would mean he was also two-timing *you*.
Lin Wen: True, but it's not like he and I were exclusive.
Joan: You said you were about to move in together!
Lin Wen: Sure, but that wouldn't have meant we had to stop having fun!

Elementary Quotes

Holmes: Why do you suppose you hate your job so much?
Watson: I don't hate my job.
Holmes: You have two alarm clocks. No one with two alarm clocks loves their job. Two alarm clocks mean it's a chore for you to get up in the morning.

Watson: How do you do it, guess things?
Sherlock: I observe and then I deduce.
Watson: How did you know I was a doctor, you said you could tell from my hands.
Sherlock: Hand, singular. It was soft no calluses.
Watson: How did you know my father had an affair?
Sherlock: Google. Not everything is deducible.