Marcus was here, I took a shower, so obviously we're secret lovers.

Joan

Do I sit on the bride's side or the groom's?

Sherlock

Sherlock: Actually, Watson, only one of them is a bug. The other is a flash-bang.
Joan: You gave her a bomb!?
Sherlock: It was a very small bomb, with a very big bang.

It's hardly the first time I've inspired a writer, Watson. I am actually the basis for several fictional characters across various media.

Sherlock

No, thanks, I had poop for lunch.

Joan

You are one of the best liars I have ever met, and that's saying something.

Sherlock

Henry Watson: How'd you know that was me?
Joan: 'Grover Ogden'? We lived on Ogden Avenue, Grover was our dog, and by the way, that's how you make a PORN name, not a PEN name!

[regarding her father's book] It's ridiculous! Sherlock and I do not run around with guns, and we don't get into kung fu fights with criminals, and we sure as hell do not sleep together!

Joan

Sherlock: Are you suffering from Low T?
Morland Holmes: ...Excuse me?
Sherlock: A deficiency, an imbalance in your hormone levels. Is it what's causing this late-onset humanity that you've been exhibiting since your return to New York?

Morland Holmes: I know we rarely spoke during your Scotland Yard days, but I do recall that you often made use of experts in other fields, your 'Unusuals.'
Sherlock: 'Irregulars.' And unless you've become an expert in sniping, I fail to see how you can assist here.

Unless you're dead, you're starting to annoy me.

Joan [to Sherlock's voicemail]

Morland Holmes: The value of your dam is $2.3 billion in theory only. It can be zero if I call certain friends in Lima.
Bill Wellstone: Now that, boys and girls, is how you deliver a threat. It's far more compelling than a warrant.

Elementary Quotes

Holmes: Why do you suppose you hate your job so much?
Watson: I don't hate my job.
Holmes: You have two alarm clocks. No one with two alarm clocks loves their job. Two alarm clocks mean it's a chore for you to get up in the morning.

Watson: How do you do it, guess things?
Sherlock: I observe and then I deduce.
Watson: How did you know I was a doctor, you said you could tell from my hands.
Sherlock: Hand, singular. It was soft no calluses.
Watson: How did you know my father had an affair?
Sherlock: Google. Not everything is deducible.