Morland Holmes: [about Lukas Muller's predecessor] We had a long and prosperous relationship, until one day he decided it wasn't quite prosperous enough.
Interpol Agent Lukas Muller: My God, Morland. His *children* found him!
Morland Holmes: They were *meant* to. Tell me, Lukas. How are your daughters?

You know what doesn't scare me at all? Comin' back to my garage and finding that some strange white guy let himself in. Not like that's ever gone badly for me!

Alfredo

Sherlock: Your 'help' has just resulted in that man's murder. Again.
Joan: Okay, first of all, he wasn't murdered, he was zapped into another dimension. And second of all, he still has two lives left.

You do realize that pink coconuts do not occur in nature?

Sherlock

Bell: What are you doing?
Sherlock: [has two bikes with him] These were chained to a lamppost down the street.
Bell: And you figured you'd... steal them?
Sherlock: I'm re-stealing them. I peruse the crime blotter when I'm bored, and these were stolen in Chelsea last month.
Bell: And you're just gonna walk around with them for the rest of the day?
Sherlock: Don't be ridiculous. This one's for you.

Vintage rainbow suspenders? If there's money to be made in this, I need to get to my parents' garage fast!

Joan

Stabbed in the chest and incinerated. Did the killer also throw him off a roof?

Sherlock

Sherlock: You allowed Detective Cortes to land far too many punches.
Joan: I did. But all that matters is that I landed the last one.

[about Detective Cortes] I think she may be insane.

Joan

Like five married people could ever agree on anything...

Gregson

Joan: Here's a question we should have asked ten minutes ago: what if these cuffs really are unpickable?

[about Sherlock] Fluent in three dozen languages, and he still hasn't seen Say Anything.

Joan

Elementary Quotes

Holmes: Why do you suppose you hate your job so much?
Watson: I don't hate my job.
Holmes: You have two alarm clocks. No one with two alarm clocks loves their job. Two alarm clocks mean it's a chore for you to get up in the morning.

Watson: How do you do it, guess things?
Sherlock: I observe and then I deduce.
Watson: How did you know I was a doctor, you said you could tell from my hands.
Sherlock: Hand, singular. It was soft no calluses.
Watson: How did you know my father had an affair?
Sherlock: Google. Not everything is deducible.