Carter; Tear it all down. Now. Or I'm cancelling Kwanzaa.
Warlord: What is Kwanzaa?
Carter: Ha! I knew it wasn't real.

• Permalink: Ha! I knew it wasn't real.
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Are you about done? I'm supposed to go lion hunting with a scumbag dentist.

Carter

• Permalink: Are you about done? I'm supposed to go lion hunting with a scumbag dentist.
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It's true. Even at the speed of light, mean-spirited thoughts from the stars can take thousands or even millions of years to reach the earth. Hamburger.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Now all I need is a group photo of me kneeling in front of the village so I can brag about what a good person I am.

Peter

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Oh, yeah. Black guys put hot sauce on everything on account most of us have been pepper-sprayed by the time we're two.

Cleveland

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I can get people to pay me 10 bucks just for doing stupid stuff?

Peter

• Permalink: I can get people to pay me 10 bucks just for doing stupid stuff?
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What do people do who don't drink?

Peter

• Permalink: What do people do who don't drink?
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If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Tom Tucker

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Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.

Peter

• Permalink: Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.
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Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.

Peter

• Permalink: Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.
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Yeah. Now I'm gonna stick my raw pasta in ya.

Peter

• Permalink: Yeah. Now I'm gonna stick my raw pasta in ya.
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I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it.

Peter

• Permalink: I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went...
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