Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?

Bill: Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.
Peter: Aw yeah, I see it.
Bill: Dude, we can eat that pig.
Peter: What?
Bill: Dude, come on! We can totally eat that pig. We could, we could do it, man, we could. It'll be so easy man, it'll take like a minute.
Peter: Could it really be that fast?
Bill: Peter, that pig could be in our stomaches in like one minute. And then we could, and then, we could do other stuff.
Peter: (stoned laughing) Oh right, I'm starved. Let's do it.

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.

(Peter is playing DDR)
Bill Clinton: Watch the screen, not your feet.
Peter: Bill shut up, I got it.
Loudspeaker Announcer: Number 32.
Peter: Oh no, our pizza is ready!
Bill Clinton: Tag out man! Tag out! (Peter tags Bill in and Bill starts playing) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic. Come on Barbie, let's go party, uh, uh, uh yeah!

Peter: Hey, Bill. Are you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here... humping... you!
Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad and I feel horrible, and... and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!
Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex crazed side only I know!

Peter: Oh, boy. This is gonna be fun! I haven't made a crank call in years!
Bill: Shh, quiet! It's ringing!
Linda: Hello?
Bill: Hello? Is this Linda Tripp?
Linda: Yes.
Bill: You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! (Hangs up)
Peter: Boy, that uh... that wasn't really a crank call. That was, that was just unpleasant.
Bill: Sorry about that.

I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Peter: Hello flabby, out of shape family. Check out my bulging ripplyness.
Brian: Peter, you've been to the gym once... for fifteen minutes.
Peter: And I'm fifteen minutes stronger Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop.
(proceeds to completely destroy Meg's laptop)

(Brian and Stewie are in the bathroom, staring at the toilet)
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet, and you're the one who's had potty-training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: Alright, we're two intelligent guys, we can figure this out.
(they walk toward the toilet)
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: (nervously) Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: (reaching for the flush handle) I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian! Be careful with that, we don't know what it does.
Brian: (sighs) Alright, here goes.
Stewie: Oh god, oh god, careful, careful, careful, careful!
(Brian flushes the toilet, they both run out of the bathroom, Stewie yelling and Brian barking)

Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
(cuts to pageant, Bill is sitting in the audience, two heavy-set women are on the runway)
Bill Clinton: Now that's a cankle! Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows, that's the fun.

(After putting two starfish over his nipples) Hey Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my step-father had boundary issues.

Stewie

(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 24 in total

Want more Family Guy?

Sign up for our daily newsletter and receive the latest tv news delivered to your inbox for free!

Family Guy Season 5 Episode 13 Quotes

Stewie: Look at Peter in that tank top. He looks more pathetic then when John Merrick went on Match.com.
(Scene of John Merrick having dinner with a woman)
John Merrick: (to his date) There's no way you're a size six!

Peter: (about having sex with Babs) Lois, I couldn't go through with it.
Lois: But Peter, you have to! For the sake of our marriage!
Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!

x Close Ad