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Family-guy

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-woah, I almost walked right into that one

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter.
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way

When she worries she says things like "I told you so" and "stop doing that, I'm asleep."

Peter

Brian [in prison]: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing

Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government to such a gross over-payment?
Peter: Well uh, I was gonna call 'em but uh, my favorite episode of Diff'rent Strokes was on

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!

Now kids, daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off

Peter

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb

Stewie

Peter [at communion]: Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

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