Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX

Lois: I hate what you become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and tell him to suck the fat out of your head?
Peter: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter: It doesn't have to, Lois, I'm beautiful

Lois: Did you paste your picture over our wedding portrait?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over mine.
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better

Cleveland: If you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest

Guard: Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van! That's my son

Peter [after surgery]: Knock knock!
Brian: Hey, pal, you can't just walk in here without - holy crap, it's Peter.
Chris: Dad, you're pretty, like a girl

Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter. You're just a fat kid. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big old fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso.
Chris: Thanks

Lois: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

Lois: Jump in, sweetie! The turtle will protect you!
Stewie: I'm supposed to entrust my life to a turtle?! Nature's "D" student?

Lois: Okay, meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris.
Chris: Ohhh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past it's prime

Displaying all 9 quotes