Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Peter: Lois, you're too nosy. Like that waiter at that restaurant.
(flashback)
Waiter: And who had the prime rib?
Peter: I hardly think that's any of your business.

Peter: I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, dad, do you want to play baseball?
Peter: Oh my God, could you leave me alone?! You are the neediest kid!

Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
(cuts to a man in a chair)
Man: Like me.
(cuts to a woman on a tennis court)
Woman: Like me.
(cuts back to the community center)
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
(Quagmire comes in)
Quagmire: Ewwwwwww!

Peter: I can't believe you left dad.
Thelma: I have needs that he didn't satisfy, and I'm still a young woman Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.
Peter: Boy, this is really gonna upset my evil brother Thaddeus.
Thaddeus: (dressed and talks like Snidely Whiplash) Nya! This will surely affect my inheritance. Nya!

Tom Tucker: Hey champ. Do you want to see Chicken Little?
Peter: Hahaha. Yeah!
Tom Tucker: And what does a chicken say?
Peter: MOOOO!
Tom Tucker: Hahaha, why not.

Chris: I wanna get a milkshake too.
Peter: Too bad. Go get your own father.

(Watching airplanes flying at the airshow) Oh this so exciting! Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year.

Lois

Jake Tucker: What's your problem?
Peter: Papa Tom's being a jerk.
Jake Tucker: At least he talks to you. He hasn't paid attention to me in weeks!
Peter: Well, all in all, I think you should be grateful. I heard the Kennedys had a kid like you once, and they had it put to sleep.

(to Tom Tucker, about Thelma) I can't believe this! You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment!

Peter

Thelma: I don't see what the problem is, Tom is a wonderful man.
Tom Tucker: I don't see the problem either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the In-Depth Anylasis. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Lady's old!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie, back to you, Peter.

(Off screen, a girl catches a Hot Dog in her mouth)
Girl: That one felt like my Dad!
Jingle: Incest in the morning!
Deep-Voiced Announcer: Suppressed Memories!

Announcer: And now back to "Round Table" with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano, and Kermit the Frog.
Kermit: These Zoning Laws are infringing on the rights of...
Harold Ramis: Uh, if I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out...
Al Michaels: You've had your time, let someone else speak.
Harold Ramis: I haven't said a word, it was that guy (points to Ray Romano).
Ray Romano: Don't look at me! I can't get a word in edgewise.
Kermit the Frog: Well then who the hell's been talking this whole time (they all begin to argue)?

Displaying all 12 quotes

Family Guy Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Jake Tucker: What's your problem?
Peter: Papa Tom's being a jerk.
Jake Tucker: At least he talks to you. He hasn't paid attention to me in weeks!
Peter: Well, all in all, I think you should be grateful. I heard the Kennedys had a kid like you once, and they had it put to sleep.

Announcer: And now back to "Round Table" with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano, and Kermit the Frog.
Kermit: These Zoning Laws are infringing on the rights of...
Harold Ramis: Uh, if I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out...
Al Michaels: You've had your time, let someone else speak.
Harold Ramis: I haven't said a word, it was that guy (points to Ray Romano).
Ray Romano: Don't look at me! I can't get a word in edgewise.
Kermit the Frog: Well then who the hell's been talking this whole time (they all begin to argue)?