Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her.... smoking!

Peter

Oh, yeah, yeah, that plane crash I told you about... it turned out to be gas

Peter

Cigarettes killed my father, and raped my mother

Congressman

Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by finding the El Dorado cigarette company infinity billion dollars!
Congressman: That's the spirit Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective

Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!

Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday

Peter

Executive: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? That's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that post that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company

Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise

Peter: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano [watching the episode from her couch]: What kind of cheap shot! Joe!
Joel: (motioning with his hand while seated at an office desk behind her) I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it

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