Family Guy Season 5 Episode 14: "No Meals On Wheels" Quotes
(Peter is buried under Joe and his friends)
Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
Ben Stiller: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.
Ben Stiller: (points at his ears) Hello?!
Peter: Ah, go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people!
- Permalink: Ben Stiller, help me! No, Peter. I heard what you said about m...
Peter: Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys with a bandana on his head. Oh, there he is.
Crazy Vietnam Guy: I've seen some things, man, and some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it.
- Permalink: Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry, handicapped Viet...
Peter: Alright everybody, only three hours till open. Oh, this is going to be the coolest place in Quahog. All the movers and shakers and big wigs are going to eat here. But not the small wigs... (Camera shifts to a guy with a small wig near entrance of restaurant.)
Small Wig: Hey, I'm hungry... I got a credit card...
- Permalink: Alright everybody, only three hours till open. Oh, this is going...
Lois: Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?
Peter: Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?
Lois: Because I had an idea. Remember when we first got married?
Peter: And I said what would it feel like to be a bear.
Lois: No, no, no. I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter, remember? We tried to open that restaurant and we never quite got it going.
Peter: Yeah, we got shut down because of my exploding cupcakes. (Cuts to scene where a couple is sitting.)
Gerald: Hmm, I hope these taste as good as they look. (Takes a bite and head explodes.)
Woman: (gasp) Gerald!
Peter: (Walks by.) He he he, the secret is in the frosting... but I'll never tell.
- Permalink: Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. D...
Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!
- Permalink: Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this th...
Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)
- Permalink: Peter? I know you're in here. Yes I am Lois... But where? P...
Brian: (After being shocked by Peter.) Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off worse when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate. (Cuts to scene where Brian and his roommate are watching TV.)
TV Announcer: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. (Roommate says "Yes!" while Brian says "What the hell?" simultaneously. There is a moment of silence.)
Brian and Roommate: (simultaneously) What? (They both take out guns and aim at each other.)
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.
- Permalink: Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off...
Peter: (After shocking Chris.) What the hell was that? (Shocks Chris again.) Oh my God, Lois, don't get alarmed, but, I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus.
Brian: Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.
Peter: Kneel before Christ! (Gets up, rubs feet on carpet, shocks Brian.)
- Permalink: What the hell was that? Oh my God, Lois, don't get alarmed, but...
Peter: How can you leave me now Ben Stiller when I need you the most?
Ben Stiller: I'm sorry Peter, but there are other children who need my help.
Peter: I guess I was wrong to think you'd always be with me.
Ben Stiller: I'll always be with you Peter. (His ears start flapping and he flies away)
Peter: His movies are terrible.
- Permalink: How can you leave me now Ben Stiller when I need you the most? ...