Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Lois: Peter, what the hell is this?
Peter: My chastity belt.
Lois: A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?
Peter: I'm abstinent Lois, it's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay, and Gays into Mexicans, everyone goes down a notch.

(Reading from booklet) If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it. (pauses) Well that's something I'd like to avoid.

Peter

Announcer: We now return to Laguna Beach.
Girl 1: Like right?
Girl 2: I know!
Girl 3: Whatever because, duh!
Girl 2: I know, right?
Girl 1: Whatever, because I mean like, totally, full out.
Girl 2: Full on.
Girl 3: Right?
(returns to Peter)
Peter: I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza for Mayor West.
Adam West: No! You got me Canadian bacon instead of bacon? This misdeed can not go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker, at the hands of my cat launcher.

Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)

Sure, sex is fun, but ya can't have it before you're married, even if you use a condom. Because not only do condoms fail one hundred percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would ya?

Rev. Kirkwood

Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smuckers.

Peter

(to drug addicts) There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shootin' up, why not share needles? That's a no brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice, have as many kids as you can, 'cuz that makes it more likely that one of those kids'll grow up an make it big in Hollywood. Then who's payin' the bills huh? Hollywood Kid. Class dismissed.

Peter

Lois: Peter, do you know that they are not teaching sex-ed at Chris's school?
Peter: Eh, let em figure it out the way I had to. With a can of crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way Lois, that's the natural way.

Displaying quotes 10 - 18 of 18 in total