Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.

Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you... last night I had sex with a teenage blonde, and her mother.
Peter: Well that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So why are you telling me?
Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga.

Francis: Stewie Griffin, I baptise you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Peter: And Space Ghost.

It's just like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want...but it's still gonna happen.

Peter

I like you Grandpa. Your toe-nails are the same color as my school bus.

Chris

All right, Dad! This used to be an old barn, but thanks to you, now it's an old barn with a sign on it.

Chris

Peter: If we get Stewie baptised, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth.
Francis: I'll think about it.

Diane: Also in the news some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom: That's right Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane: Sounds dangerous Tom, Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell?
Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist!
Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you".
Francis: Now you're getting it!

Lois: (Holds up a "Church of the Fonz" poster) Peter, you've been posting these all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy.
Peter: Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? Oh, I'm sorry, Lois, that was uncalled for. But that's what you get when you challenge someone's beliefs.

Francis: (hanging up crucifix) There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Displaying all 11 quotes

Family Guy Season 4 Episode 18 Quotes

Lois: (Holds up a "Church of the Fonz" poster) Peter, you've been posting these all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy.
Peter: Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? Oh, I'm sorry, Lois, that was uncalled for. But that's what you get when you challenge someone's beliefs.

Francis: (hanging up crucifix) There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.