Family Guy

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If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?

Peter

I tell you, this obituary came out great. "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer. In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin at 31 Spooner Street." If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success.

Peter

Dr. Hartman: Glenn Quagmire? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah, I treated you for butt flu.
Quagmire: Hey, you wanna keep it down?
Dr. Hartman: Hey now, that's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that sort of stuff.

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
Peter: There ya go, that's pretty gross.

Peter: Listen, Quagmire. We hate you now.
Joe: Yeah, you used to be fun.
Peter: Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy or just coming back from a colonoscopy.

Quagmire: Hey slow down, drive like hell, you'll get there!
Peter: Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?
Quagmire: I'm letting all these hot rodders know this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track!

Come on, it's not so bad. You could always kill yourself.

Peter

The hilarious video already has over 2 million views on YouTube. Comments range from sympathy, all the way to racial slurs directed at those who chose to comment.

Tom Tucker

Announcer: And now it's time for the Channel 5 sports report, brought to you by Kia. Kia: too bad it's a Kia!

Peter: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity!"
Joe: Hah!
Peter: No, but he is our friend.

Displaying all 10 quotes

Family Guy Season 11 Episode 3 Quotes

Announcer: And now it's time for the Channel 5 sports report, brought to you by Kia. Kia: too bad it's a Kia!

Peter: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity!"
Joe: Hah!
Peter: No, but he is our friend.