Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.

Stewie

Peter: I had an affair and I think we should talk about it.
Lois: Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.

Peter: Fresh air is bad for a kid. Look at Michael J. Fox.
Lois: What?
Peter: I don't know.

Peter: I am going to the Clam and I am getting my booth back! And Meg, you're gay.
Meg: No, I'm not.
Peter: You like guys, right?
Meg: Yeah.
Peter: That's called being gay.

Stewie: How long have you been there?
Chris: Long enough to know that you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear.
Stewie: HE does weird stuff; I just don't stop him.

You've got herpes, too? This house is like backstage at a Whitesnake concert.

Stewie

Scumbag: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.
Peter: Don't flatter yourself--that was from this morning.

We're supposed to stick together! Like goatee guys at a barbecue!

Peter

Oh my god! Your mouth looks like the underside of a boat!

Teacher

Oh my god, look at you! You're more herpes than dog!

Stewie

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

Says 'Glenn Quagmire.' But if you squint and imagine it says 'Peter Griffin,' it says 'Peter Griffin'!

Peter
Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 1961 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley