Family Guy

Family Guy Season 1 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 1 Episode 5: "A Hero Sits Next Door"

Mr. Weed: Unfortunately, Johnson isn't here to pitch today, his wife is in labor.
Peter: Oh what, is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch
 • Rating: Unrated

Joe: Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
Peter: Man, you neighbors are like viruses, starts with a screwdriver, then before you know it you're using my supermarket, dry cleaner, even my postman
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Peter: Boy, I got myself into a real situation, didn't I? But don't worry, I've got a plan to get us out of this!
Brian: Oh, good, I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
Peter: Oh, well actually I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell! But uh, yeah, improvise. That'll be easier on my back
 • Rating: Unrated

Bonnie: The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out.
Lois: What about lemon juice?
Bonnie: Oh, what about club soda?
Stewie: What about shutting the hell up?
 • Rating: Unrated

Old Woman: Help! Someone just stole my purse!
Peter: Who cares, I don't even know you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?
Chris: Meg loves Kevin!
Meg: Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Where am I gonna find a ringer as strong as Guillermo? One time, I walked into the locker room; I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 4: "Mind Over Murder"

Peter: Jeez Lois, I just spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beers, telling jokes, and screwin' around. How 'bout a little me time?
 • Rating: Unrated

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.... Your wife's hot
Peter: Alright that's it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: I know you cant understand what I'm going through, Lois. I mean all the stuff that makes you happy, you know, like cooking and cleaning - it's alright here in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky...
Brian: Uh, uh stop. Now
 • Rating: Unrated

[Stewie stumbles up to Lois...]
Stewie: Hello mother, care to partake in your oh so exhilarating games of Peek-A-Boo?
Lois: Oh my god, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not, what, oh him? Oh yeah, he's a real light weight
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: Something troubling you Peter?
Peter: Oh no, nothing. Just all of my friends are eye-humping my wife.
Brian: Well if I were you, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again I'm the jealous type
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here, watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: I'm in seering pain!
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Mr. Tumnis: Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnis.
Peter: Hey give me back my sock you goat bastard!
 • Rating: Unrated

Patriot: Peter.
Peter: Hey you're the Pawtucket Patriot.
Patriot: Verily. Come hither and give heed.
Peter: Woah woah woah. I don't swing that way pal. Look I've got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers.
Patriot: Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stuff it with plenty of Pawtucket Patriots, your friends will come down here for a beer as well.
Peter: Build a bar! That's a great idea. Wait one last question! If I walk through you does that mean like..we've done it?
Patriot: Gee what's with you and the gay jokes?
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Bye bye Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you goodnight.
Stewie: Burn in hell!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 3: "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

Stewie: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?
 • Rating: Unrated

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