Family Guy

Family Guy Season 1 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 3: "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart!
Lois: Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Meg, you're home late.
Meg: I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Peter: Well, don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do?
Meg: I'll give you a hint. I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked! Sucked!
Peter: Yay! Oh, I mean, sorry, honey
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: It's cool dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win every time!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Face it, I'm a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 2: "I Never Met the Dead Man"

Peter: Come on everyone, we're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans, if you don't join their party they'll come get ya!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog, she can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog
 • Rating: Unrated

Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak Tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Hey barkeep, whose leg do you gotta hump to get a dry martini around here?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Peter: What can me and you do together? (Lois giggles) Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talkin' about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: I know you don't like broccoli Stewie, but you'll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father.
Stewie: A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmmm. That is good. Oh I feel stronger already. Mmmm it's good tasting and good for you
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Stewie, you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well then, I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me woman!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Honey, it's not going to go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die!
 • Rating: Unrated

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