Family Guy

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Season: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Family Guy Season 1 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 1 Episode 1: "Death Has a Shadow"

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-woah, I almost walked right into that one
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter.
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: When she worries she says things like "I told you so" and "stop doing that, I'm asleep."
• Rating: Unrated

Brian [in prison]: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing
• Rating: Unrated

Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government to such a gross over-payment?
Peter: Well uh, I was gonna call 'em but uh, my favorite episode of Diff'rent Strokes was on
• Rating: Unrated

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Now kids, daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off
• Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter [at communion]: Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Voiceover on TV: The Statue Of Liberty was a gift from France...
Guy: The Statue Of Liberty!?
Peter: Oh my kid must of taped over this for history class. Boys, boys! We're going to drink till she's hot.
Quagmire: Hey, thats just crazy enough to work
• Rating: Unrated

Mr. Weed: Peter! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: Uh uh...no!! There's uh...a...bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Guys, our money problems are over; we are officially on welfare! Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn
• Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Well, well mother, we meet again.
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
• Rating: Unrated

Lois: When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
[Meg adjusts it a little, and Peter suddenly comes into the room]
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
Guy: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: Amazing, you can barely drive a car, and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter: Yeah, America's great, except for the south
• Rating: Unrated

Quagmire: Hey Peter, you want to play "drink the beer"?
Peter: Sure. (takes drink of beer)
Quagmire: You win!
Peter: What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh man, I'm going for the high score!
Quagmire: Actually, Charlie has the high score.
Charlie [peeing in grandfather clock]: Hey man, your clock won't flush
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois: What?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: Excuse me?
Peter: Uh...Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world
• Rating: Unrated

Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0