Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I've got stuff to do.
Lois: Meg, we all know you don't have stuff to do

Doctor: Hum, 29 pounds, that's big for your age.
Stewie: Well forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials

Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Patty Tanager, the caddy manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Caddy Manager

Cleveland: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can, and this book of clichés

Joe: Hey, Quagmire! You wanna come camping with us?
Quagmire: Sorry, boys. The only tent I'm gonna be pitchin' this weekend is... well, you can see where I'm goin' with this. Oh

I say, Rupert, this paste is delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!


Lois: Peter, its seven in the morning!
Brian: Thanks for the update Big Ben.
[Brian and Peter Laugh]
Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted from bein' up all night drinkin'.
Lois: Listen, Peter, if you keep this up something terrible's gonna happen.
Peter: Somethin' terrible... all the way to the bank!
Brian: Nice

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

It's like I died and went to heaven, but then it turned out it wasn't my time, and they sent me to a brewery


Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids ... y'know, forget about you


Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery


Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is..."flaming."
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter: You...

Family Guy Season 2 Quotes

Peter [reading his tax refund]: Oh my god, it's better than I thought. An Audi! I'm gettin' a car!
Brian: Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "audit".
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car... the "t" is silent. Sweet, I'm gettin' an Audi!
Chris [lifts up his shirt]: I have an innie

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one.