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Family-guy

Tom, you're so far in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents

Little Diane

Why don't you two make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.

Peter

Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt

Peter

Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils

Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh My.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well that's just silly.
Adam West: Silly, yes...idiotic...yes

Cardinal: Pope! Time to get up and put your hat.
Pope: It's a stupid hat.
Cardinal: Pope!
Pope: Okay, okay. God!
[Goes into the bathroom, comes out, and drops his boxer shorts on the floor]
Cardinal: Pope, the floor is not a hamper.
Pope: Man!

German Tour Guide: Besides its beautiful, historic architecture, Munich was the home of many great writers, such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to art in the pamphlets we've provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: (screaming frantically) We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: No, no, he left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I WILL HEAR NO MORE INSINUATIONS ABOUT THE GERMAN PEOPLE!! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!! (begins shouting in German)- SIE WERDEN SICH HINSETZEN, SIE WERDEN RUHIG SEIN, (raises his hand in Nazi salute) SIE WERDEN NICHT BELEIDIGEN DEUTSCHLAND!!!
(eveyone looks at him terrified)
Brian: (hesitantly) Uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour Guide: (cheerfully) Oh, yes! Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls

Brian: I'm stuck on a trans-atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. Could this get any worse?
Andy Rooney: You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't open them. Who are they trying to keep out of these?
Jerry Seinfeld: And what's the deal with the razor blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?
Andy Dick: Hi, Andy Dick here. I just need to get my luggage into the overhead compartment here. [Items start falling out of the compartment] Whoa, that's whacky!
[Brian sighs]

Peter: Lois, I'm packing for Kissstock and I can't find my favorite underwear!
Lois: You mean the one with the hole in the left butt cheek from you tore them pulling them up in the airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the one with the hole in the right butt cheek from when I held it in during the extra-long sunday service mass because I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, and I let it go in the vestibule, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh. Middle drawer!

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