Dear Diary, Jackpot!

Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]

• Permalink: Dear Diary, Jackpot!
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Hey, Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

• Permalink: Hey, Chris, what are you doing? Just layin' back in the cot, p...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."

• Permalink: The Diary of Nate Griffin. May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lu...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Jake: Aw!

• Permalink: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't y...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Meg: Oh, my God!
Mr. Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no he's just awkwardly positioning himself--oh now he's violating Seabreeze

• Permalink: Oh, my God! He's violating Seabreeze! No, no he's just awkwa...
• Added: October 14, 2009

You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today

Peter

• Permalink: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey mana, I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Hotel Manager: I blame the schools

• Permalink: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you

• Permalink: Would you like a piece of candy? I smell death on you
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Your honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice-cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter... and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson

• Permalink: Your honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the par...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Lawyer: Mr Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher?
Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh-
Lawyer: Thank-you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something?
Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh-
Lawyer: Thank-you

• Permalink: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher? Uh, do I-I gu...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Teacher: In French, when you want to say "yes", you say "oui, oui!"
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh my god, that is hysterical. Oh, man. Hey, what do you say for "no"? "Doo Doo?" Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes!"

• Permalink: In French, when you want to say yes, you say oui, oui! You got...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Brian, I am very disappointed in you. I'd turn my back on you but I've seen what do in that situation

Peter

• Permalink: Brian, I am very disappointed in you. I'd turn my back on you bu...
• Added: October 14, 2009