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Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.

Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you... last night I had sex with a teenage blonde, and her mother.
Peter: Well that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So why are you telling me?
Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga.

Francis: Stewie Griffin, I baptise you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Peter: And Space Ghost.

It's just like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want...but it's still gonna happen.


I like you Grandpa. Your toe-nails are the same color as my school bus.


All right, Dad! This used to be an old barn, but thanks to you, now it's an old barn with a sign on it.


Peter: If we get Stewie baptised, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth.
Francis: I'll think about it.

Diane: Also in the news some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom: That's right Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane: Sounds dangerous Tom, Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell?
Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist!
Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you".
Francis: Now you're getting it!

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