Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Hell? Well that's a little much. Sure I've devoted my life to killing my mother, but who hasn't? You know for hell, this isn't really that bad.

Stewie

Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th Century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
(the boss then hands Peter a note)
Peter: Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you something: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! F**k you! Diane?

You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

Peter

Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits jumping around there on stage, half naked with your little outfits. You know? You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer. So, you know, what am I supposed to do? What do you--what do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're tryin' to--why you're leapin' around there throwin' those things all up in--um, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! Well, I'll tell you what you want...you want nothin'! You want nothin'! All right, because we all that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone. And to titilate us with any thoughts otherwise is-is-is-is just bogus.
Lois: Oh, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
Meg: Ok...mom, thanks for that. Um, see you later. (Leaves)
Chris: Go on...

Brian: So, is it just pool water that turns you into a snivelling girl, or all water?
Stewie: Mom! Brian just asked me if it's just pool water that turns me into a sniveling girl, or all water!

Brian: Peter, what is that?
Peter: Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie The Butterfly Effect. I thought, wow, this is terrible. I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me.

Moses Griffin: Here we are, the Red Sea. Now all we gotta do is swim across.
Jew 1: I didn't bring my trunks.
Jew 2: I don't wanna step on a shell.
Jew 3: I can't get water in my ears.
Jew 4: I ate 20 minutes ago.
Jew 5: You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here.
Moses Griffin: [Sighs] All right, I see what I can do. [Parts the Sea]
Jew 6: "Oooh, I can part the Red Sea", you know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years.

Meg: I HATE YOU ALL!
Stewie: Yeah, I hate you too, bitch. Oh no no, I'm just kidding, could you imagine?

Nate Griffin: Hey Quagdingo, how was your date last night?
Quagdingo: Ah, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy.

Black Diane: Coming up this half hour: Flies on your face. How many is too many?
Black Tom: But first: That orange thing in the sky, and what you can do to please it.

People buy wheel because of sexy wife. Tonight you and me party like it's 9!

Caveman Peter

Meg: (after Joe and the cops take her away) Aaaaah! Dad! Help me!
Peter: Have fun at the dance, Meg! I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington
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