Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Peter: Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today.
Death: Not according to my paperwork. It says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I gotta tell ya...I always thought it'd be rectal trauma.

Glen, your place looks wonderful! I feel like I can touch things in here now!

Lois

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God because It is really not up to me, it is up to him and I want to thank the devil too because you know that is why God is there. He is minding the fence to make sure that guy never comes back. You know if it weren't for the devil God had probably gone insane blowing he's brains out from boredom. Everybody likes to feel useful. Make a da world go around. Back to you Tom.

Peter

Peter: (In the bathroom) Could you bring me a towel? I threw up on the floor.
Tom Brady: Sure.
Peter: And could you bring me another towel? I also threw up on this gentleman's bare lap.
Man: Could you wet the towel a bit?
Peter: Wet the towel, Tom?

Stewie: How 'bout we let bygones be bygones,hmm?
Brian: You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire, Piss off.

Chris: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois: First of all Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris: Alright, well, where is she, 'cause I need her now!

Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up.

Peter

Tom Tucker: Coming up next, America's hottest new curse word: "kleeman". We'll tell you what it means right after this.

You know Brian, when you're wearing that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop!

Stewie

Yeah, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything, I'll just use this Mr. Potatohead ear.

Stewie

Greetings Hebrews and She-brews! What a Jewish glorious day!

Peter

(to Lois) Bye, honey. And remember what I said, if I come home in the middle of the day and you're sleeping with somebody, I'll kill ya both.

Peter
Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington
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