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Family-guy

Lois: I now understand that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Lois: Chris we all love your hat.
Chris: Thanks Mom!

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter those aren't your kids. That's the Nick-At-Night lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighters.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

Well kids, just when I thought I would never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so, eh, he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm going to take off while he fits you for cups in that window-less supply shed. See Ya!

Peter

Bertram: What took you so long?
Stewie: What took you so ugly!?

Lois: I think I'm pregnant.
Peter: Oh, are you sure it's yours?

Lois: Do you think I'm fat?
Waiter: Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
Lois: What?
Waiter: Nothing.

Lois: Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy?
Peter: First: I don't know what that is. And two: no freakin way.

Joe: A lot of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed much.
Cleveland: Would you ever have one?
Joe: NEVER!

Chris: Say Doc, what did you do with the all the fat you took out of my mom?
Dr. Hartman: It's right here in this storage closet.
(He opens the closet and sees Peter having sex with the bag of far
Peter: Um, it's exactly what it looks like.

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