Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 13)

Season 5 Episode 7: "Chick Cancer"

Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: (about Vageena Hurts) ...but it was too late, and she died from an angry Hymen.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Lois: (excited) Oh my god, Sandra Oh, (nervous laugh) we loved you in Sideways.Sandra Oh: Thank you.Peter: (explanatory tone) WE SEE YOU IN MANY MOVIES. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHILE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. (pulls out one dollar bill) I THANK YOU WITH ONE DOLLAR. (turns to Lois) That's a lot of money to them.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?Olivia: (reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine) Play-Doh spaghetti.Stewie: (pauses) Oh..Olivia: (stops making Play-Doh spaghetti) What?Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night (pauses) (under breathe, looking away) and that's all we had last night.Olivia: (angry) What does that mean?Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?Stewie: (angry) That's not the point, don't change the...it's a kind of cake..
 • Rating: Unrated

(Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian)Stewie: (exhales) Sorry we're late everyone, but JonBent here took forever with her make-up.Olivia: Ah yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, (crosses her arms) but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.Stewie: (sarcastically) Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 6: "Prick Up Your Ears"

Lois: Peter, do you know that they are not teaching sex-ed at Chris's school?
Peter: Eh, let em figure it out the way I had to. With a can of crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way Lois, that's the natural way.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: (to drug addicts) There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shootin' up, why not share needles? That's a no brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice, have as many kids as you can, 'cuz that makes it more likely that one of those kids'll grow up an make it big in Hollywood. Then who's payin' the bills huh? Hollywood Kid. Class dismissed.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smuckers.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rev. Kirkwood: Sure, sex is fun, but ya can't have it before you're married, even if you use a condom. Because not only do condoms fail one hundred percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would ya?
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)
 • Rating: Unrated

Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza for Mayor West.
Adam West: No! You got me Canadian bacon instead of bacon? This misdeed can not go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker, at the hands of my cat launcher.
 • Rating: Unrated

Announcer: We now return to Laguna Beach.
Girl 1: Like right?
Girl 2: I know!
Girl 3: Whatever because, duh!
Girl 2: I know, right?
Girl 1: Whatever, because I mean like, totally, full out.
Girl 2: Full on.
Girl 3: Right?
(returns to Peter)
Peter: I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: (Reading from booklet) If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it. (pauses) Well that's something I'd like to avoid.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Lois: Peter, what the hell is this?
Peter: My chastity belt.
Lois: A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?
Peter: I'm abstinent Lois, it's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay, and Gays into Mexicans, everyone goes down a notch.
 • Rating: 3.3 / 5.0

Brian: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter: (from another room) Yeah, its been on my crotch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is...it..its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
(pans to see Brian in the doorway)
Brian: I love you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex, in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf".
 • Rating: Unrated

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: (referring to his toys) Alright men your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy. SpongeBob you watch the east, StarScream you take the west, and Man-E-Faces you take center patrol since you have, many faces.
 • Rating: Unrated

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