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Family-guy

Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.

Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.

Meg

Bill: Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.
Peter: Aw yeah, I see it.
Bill: Dude, we can eat that pig.
Peter: What?
Bill: Dude, come on! We can totally eat that pig. We could, we could do it, man, we could. It'll be so easy man, it'll take like a minute.
Peter: Could it really be that fast?
Bill: Peter, that pig could be in our stomaches in like one minute. And then we could, and then, we could do other stuff.
Peter: (stoned laughing) Oh right, I'm starved. Let's do it.

(Carter Pewterschmidt walks in his living room to find Peter naked, kissing Lois)Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?!Peter: (turning around to Mr. Pewterschmidt) Uh....(pauses)...why aren't you?Carter Pewterschmidt: (long pause) ..You're alright Griffin.

Hey there Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. (Takes out marker and starts to draw.) Let's give you a nice twiggly little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, 'Say What?' Oh, look whose got pimples... and right before the big dance. (Starts tapping glass with pen and the tank explodes and octopus attacks Peter.)

Peter

Peter: I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.(scene cuts to Peter bending over a table being examined by a man behind him)Man: Alright... (snapping off gloves) The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

(After Meg finishes typing on laptop.)
Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. (Scene with two guys typing on their laptops in Starbucks.)
Guy #2: Hey, getting some writing done there buddy?
Guy #1: Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.
Guy #2: Me too. All real writers need to be seen writing otherwise what's the point, right?
Guy #1: You should totally write that down!
Guy #2: Okay, will you watch me?

Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)

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