Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 14)

Season 5 Episode 6: "Prick Up Your Ears"

Adam West: Damn I lost him. Alright cats, back in the bag.
(Adam West starts putting the cats back in the bag)
Adam West: Come one Fluffy, come on Mittens, come on Paul... (Laughing) .. What a ridiculous name for a cat, Paul..that's a person's name..a person's name (Continues laughing) ...Paul
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: (playing with his toys) I say, look at this, this toy has small parts, why the devil would they include small parts? Unless .. I'm supposed to eat them, of-course it all adds up.(Stewie bites the toy) Oww! (spitting his tooth out) Oh dear god, I've lost a tooth.
Chris: Dude you're lucky, if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will come and give you a dollar.
Stewie: (shocked) What?? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here, to our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
(camera pans to see Brian sitting at the table near Stewie)
Brian: Yeah, she creeps into your house at night, and comes into your room while you sleep.
Stewie: (shocked) Oh my god!
Brian: And sometimes, just for the hell of it, (turns to Stewie) she cuts off a piece of her arm-pit hair and places it gently on your tongue.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Tooth Fairy walks into his apartment. There is a large pile of teeth in the middle)
Tooth Fairy: (Smells the pile) Aaaah.... (Jumps into the pile) F**K YEAH!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: (After Sex) Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tatoo on your lower back?
Lois: I dunno, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 5: "Whistle While Your Wife Works"

Stewie: You hate MTV!
Brian: Pot helps.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jillian: ...and then, think about this. Have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time?
Peter: (gasps) They're the same person!
Jillian: I know, right?!
Chris: You're brilliant!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Alright Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh dammit, now I'm doing it too!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Brian: Yep.
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Stewie: Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it Brian?
Brian: It is.
Stewie: Can we play my mixtape?
Brian: Yeah, go ahead.
(Stewie puts in the mixtape and "Cars" by Gary Numan begins to play. Stewie sings to the beat)
Stewie: Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car.
(Brian shuts the tape off)
Stewie: Ohhhh, you're a poor sport.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jillian: Oh my god, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. (gasps) Somebody should stop him!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jilian: Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss.
Jilian's Friend 1: I love gloss!
Jilian's Friend 2: Oh that rocks!
Jilian's Friend 3: Gloss rhymes with hair!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Say Jillian, I love what you've done with the place. What is it, one bedroom, one bath?
Jillian: No, it's a whole apartment.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Oh, well let me ask you something. Does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what, why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So your saying she does not have an alibi.
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Ok, so we established she ain't got no alibi, she ugly, she ugly. (chants) U-G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi she ugly.
Brian: Screw off.
Stewie: M, she major ugly, O, she fat and pugly, O my god know the cow says moo.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Late night, huh? What's her name Brian?
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: Oh spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside out collar. If I didn't recognize what was going on here, I'd have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.
(Flash to the retirement home)
Stewie: (singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Oh, there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Whoa-ho-ho, alright, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there's something else down there in the bottom of the sea, something that you'll be able to relate to.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a tube in the throat, of the elderly man, in the hospital bed, on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
Oh there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(A nurse wheels in a birthday cake on a cart)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Oh, whoa! What is this?
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
(Mr. Cowen falls to the floor)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Get a nurse.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: I say Jillian this lemonade is delicious.
Jillian: I know! Its good right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: (On the phone with Cleveland) So wait, Duprey moves in with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon? But there newlyweds right? Well thats no time to have a house guest!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 4: "Saving Private Brian"

Peter: (to his therapist) Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just wanna' punch her in the face, she's really annoying.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end?
Brian: Well I uh..
Stewie: NEVER, thats when! You need this Brian. You dropped out of college, you still haven't finished your novel, do you know what you lack? Discipline! You know where you'll get it? Right here in the Army!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Chris, you can't join the army, you're too young. Besides, the Army's weak. Now the Marines, those are the men you wanna (Bleep).
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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