Family Guy

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Stewie: Brian, how many years have I been saying you and I should go berry picking?
Brian: A lot of years, Stewie.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every 100 years, in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian: Ah, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie: Well that's because you're...look!

(About Quahog Lake's pollution)What kind of world is it when you can't even trust the oil companies anymore?

Peter

Hey, hey, Lois, look, look, another dog, Look, there's another dog! Hey other dog, f*** you!

Brian

(the Griffins are heading to Quagmire's cabin)
Peter: This will be much better than that vacation we took with the Price Is Right yodeler
(cuts to scene where the Griffins are riding up the mountain with the yodeler)
Peter: Ok, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than three hundred bucks. Stop here! Don't listen to that fat tourist, she doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!
(they go over the edge)
Peter: We should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.

(Adam gasps)
Lois: What is it?
Adam: (quietly) A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move.
(The bee sits in the mayor's chair)
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business; free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee--OW! Oh, done stung myself. Bye world...

Lois: Hey you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Stewie

Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.

Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
(cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man)
Fat Man: Stop it!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: I have a glandular problem!
(the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.

(Stewie follows Chris while playing his funny beat on his tuba)
Chris: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: I'm just trying to live my life!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: No one taught me about carbs!
(Chris trips, Stewie makes a flatulence sound)

Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry Master Herbert.
Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yes sir. (walks to the closet)
Herbert: I am so tired of you.

(Peter rings Quagmire at the ballet)
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Whats up?
Peter: I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Quagmire: Get out of here! You serious? So am I.
Peter: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to nail.
Peter: Where are you sitting?
Quagmire: Look across at the other balcony. I can see you.
Peter: Oh my God, we're both here! What do we do, what do we do?
Quagmire: Oh my God, we should text each other. Hang up, Hang up.
(Peter's phone vibrates, he reads the text)
Peter: Heheheheheheh
(Peter texts Quagmire back, Quagmire reads it)
Quagmire: HA!!

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.

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